There was a snail who went to a car dealership one day. The dealer came out and asked "How can I help you?" "Well," says the snail, "I want a car, but not just any car. I want it to be the fastest car you have." "Okay," the dealer replied, "Anything else?" "Yes," the snail said. "Could you paint it green with bright yellow S's on it?" "Um, okay. It will be ready by next week. Come get it then." "Great," said the snail and he left.The following week, the snail returned and was overjoyed to see his bright green new car with yellow S's on it. The dealer looked at him and said "Just one question. Why did you want our fastest car painted bright green car with S's on it?" The snail replied, "So that when people are walking down the street, they will turn and look and say 'Look at that S car go!!!'"

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were
all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to
jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and
grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival
on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, that's the easy part. It's when the
dog's leash goes slack."

Petshop owner: If you buy a dog, you will get 1000 free things.
Customer: What?!
Petshop owner: Just buy one.
Customer: Get me a golder retriver.
Petshop owner: Okay, that will be $1200.
Customer: Now, i have bought a dog, what will i get?
Petshop Owner: Of course, as i had said, FLEAS!

A: A happy pit bull.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

The End of the Raven By Edgar Allen Poe's Cat On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting, I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for. Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven, Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door. 'Raven's very tasty,' thought I, as I tiptoed o'er the floor, 'There is nothing I like more' Soft upon the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore. While the bard and birdie chattered, I made sure that nothing clattered, Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered, as I crossed the corridor; For his house is crammed with trinkets, curios and wierd decor - Bric-a-brac and junk galore. Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered, In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents' worth - 'Nevermore.' While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up, Then I crouched and quickly lept up, pouncing on the feathered bore. Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore - Only this and not much more. 'Oooo!' my pickled poet cried out, 'Pussycat, it's time I dried out! Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before; How I've wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty Put and end to that damned ditty' - then I heard him start to snore. Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor, Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.

There once was a lowly snail, who was busily crawling through the forest one day when he happens upon a Leprechaun, perched upon a toadstool. The Leprechaun looks down at the poor snail, crawling on his belly all his life, and takes pity on him.

"Snail," he says. "I am going to grant you a wish. Whatever you want, you have only to ask."

The snail can't believe his luck! He thinks for a moment, and then excitedly exclaims, "Yes! I do have a wish! I want a brand new, shiny red Corvette Stingray!"

The Leprechaun at first thinks that this is pretty strange, but then, considering that he is talking to a snail, perhaps not.

"And" continues the snail. "I want a bright, golden "S" painted on the doors, the hood and the trunk of my corvette."

"You shall have your wish," responds the Leprechaun.

With the wave of his hand, the snail's wish is granted. And now, whenever the snail roars through the forest in his shiny new corvette, with the big "S" on the side, all the other animals of the forrest say....

"Wow! Look at that crazy "S" car go!!!!"

As the title suggests, this is how to successfully catch an elephant:
First, you need to dig a hole in the ground that is capable of holding an
elephant.
Fill the hole with ashes.
Line the hole with peas.
And when your elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.