A woman had a female parrot which kept saying, 'Hello, I am very horney.
Do you want to have some fun?' She was frantic, so she went to her Pastor
to find a solution to the problem. The Pastor said, 'Bring your bird to my
house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time.
They will be a good influence on her.' So, the woman brought the parrot to
his house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She
squawked, 'Hello, I am very horney. Do you want to have some fun?' One
male parrot looked at the other one and said, 'Put away the Bible, Fred,
our prayers have been answered.'

What Kind of animal do you never play cards with?

A Cheeta!

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull. The
pheasant sighed, "I would love to be able to get to the top of
that tree over there, but I just haven't got the energy." "Well,
why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? They're packed
with nutrients." replied the bull. The pheasant pecked at a lump
of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the first branch of the tree! And the very next day, after
eating some more, he reached the second branch! And so on. And
finally, after just a few days, there he was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. Where upon, he was spotted by a farmer who
dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the
pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there

What Do You Call A Fish With No Eyes? Fsh

A man walks into bar, sits on a nearby stool and ganders at a large jug of money. Upon pondering, he asks the bartender, "How much money is in there?"

The bartender, with a gentle smile replied, "26,000,000.."

The man jumped up with his eyes about ready to emerge from their sockets. He asked, "So is it for the poor? Or is it lika a charity?"

The bartender shook his head."No no no! That money is for the first person to complete three tasks."

A little curious, the man said, "Is that so? Well, I'm sure I could get them done, so what are they?"

Grinning slightly, the bartender replied, "First task: You must chug down a 5 gallon bucket of beer. Second task: You must pull a rotten tooth from a wolf with rabies. Then for your final task, you must have sex with a 100 year old grandmother located upstairs."

The man gulped a little, but replied, "Well, that still sounds like a deal!"

The man chugged down the 5 gallon bucket of beer. Woozy, he told the bartender to take him out to the wolf with rabies. "Leave me here! This could get rough," the man said in a fluury of slurred words, as the bartender let him go and walked back in to tend to the custumers.

Minutes later he heard the wolf yelping and crying out. "Man, he must really have a thing with animals. He's probably pulled that tooth right out."

The bartender looked up in wonder as the man stumbled through the door and yelled in a drunken voice, "Now where's that old lady with the rotten tooth?"

A ship wrecks somewhere in the Pacific Ocean and the lone survior is washed up on a desert island. After surveying his surroundings he determines that the only other signs of life are one pig and one dog.
The man learns to live off of the island. He has fresh water from a spring and fruits grow abundantly. However, as the months go on, his sexual urges become stronger and stronger. Finally, in complete sexual hysteria, he grabs the pig and has his way with it. For some reason, however, the dog jumps up and bites him in the ass.
Weeks go by, and every day the man screws the pig and the dog bites him in the ass. One day, a beautiful young woman washes up on the shore. The man performs CPR and brings her back to life. She is so happy she says, "Thank you so much! I will give you anything you want!"
"Anything?" the man says.
"Anything." the woman replies.
"OK," he says, "will you hold the dog?"

What do you call a cow murder mystery?
A moo-done-it.

17> American Kennel Club Approves "Freedom Poodle" Name Change

16> Father of 12 Charged With Eating Children

15> Local Dingo Breaks World Record in Baby-Eating Competition

14> Teens Most Likely to Become Roadkill; Elderly Close Second

13> Fluffy Accused of "Going Outside the Box"

12> Tiger Dominates Masters, Arrested at Dinner

11> President Claims: "I Did Not Have Sex With That Leg"

10> Elephants Denied Vote in Democratic Primary

9> MASTER RETURNS! Abandoned Rover Excited, Hungry

8> Roy Attacker: "Evil Dictator Had to Go"

7> Authorities Question Siamese Immigrant as Koi-Pond Murder Spree Enters Third Week

6> Farmer Jones to Mooove

5> Hundreds Injured in Slugville Salt Factory Explosion

4> Countless Canines Defrauded in Fake Ball-Throw Scam

3> REX BAD! (Page 14)

2> Siamese Cats Separated

1> Chinese Soccer Team Scandal: Shih Tzu Hits Fan