A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"Oh really? What's it telling you now?" she inquires.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says,
"Damn thing must be an hour fast!"

Paddy and Mick go to the bar, as they sit with their drink a guy walks in with a bag over his shoulder.Putting the bag on the bar he asks the barman if he wanted to buy any fish.The barman says"Those fish are alive, were did you get them from?" The guy says"Over the hill is a bridge, and down by the bridge the fish jump,so as they jump you grab the fish and put them into the bag."As Paddy and Mick were listening they decide to go and try to catch the fish.Paddy says to Mick" If I hang over the bridge You hold onto my legs and when I catch a fish I will shot it to you Mick OK?" "OK" Mick replies.So Paddy is dangling by his legs while Mick is holding onto his legs. Afew minutes pass and Mick shouts to Paddy"You got one yet Paddy?" "NO" says Paddy. A few more minutes pass and He asks again"You got one yet Paddy?" "Not yet Mick" He replies. At that Paddies legs start to kick out."Oh Paddy You got one now?" Mick says. "No you idiot pull me up the trains coming!!!!!!!

A semi-crippled Libertarian came into a bar and with difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the bar stool, pulled himself up and asked for a sip of whiskey.

He looked down the bar and asked, "Is that Jesus down there?"

The bartender nodded and the Libertarian told him to give Jesus a whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Republican with a hunched back who moved slowly.

He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of wine. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus.

The bartender nodded and the Republican said to give Him a glass of wine also.

The third patron, a Democrat, swaggered in and said "Barkeep, give me a cold beer.

Hey, is that Jesus down there?"

The barkeep nodded, and the Democrat told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over and touched the Libertarian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Libertarian felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig all the way to the door.

Jesus touched the republican and said, "For your kindness you are healed!"

The Republican felt his back straighten. He danced with joy and did a flip.

As Jesus walked toward the Democrat, the Democrat jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawing disability!"

Three guys are sitting in a bar, another guy walks in and points
to the guy in the middle and says, "Hey you! I just screwed your
mom and it was soooo great!" By then everyone was expecting a
fight. But the guy didn't do nothing. So the Drunk man goes and
sits in the other side of the bar.

15 minutes later he comes back and points at the same guy and
says, "I just had the sex with your mom, and it was SWEEET.."
Everyone was really expecting a fight this time, but then again
nothing happened and the Drunk man goes back to the other side
of the bar.

Then again another 15 min. pass and the guy comes back and says,
"I saw..." and the other man interuped him, turned to him and
says, "Dad, your drunk! Go Home!"

HOW DID THE BABY GET RAPED !
IT SUCKED ON A DUMMY .

Whats the differance between toilet paper and a shower curtan ? / Don,t know ? - So youre the one !

Q)If a ruster lays an egg on the peek of the roof. what side would the egg roll down?

A)the egg wont roll because rusters dont lay eggs!!!!!

1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!" 8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"