A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."

A Guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, when the bartender brings his beer the Guy pays him and puts an octopus on the bar The Bartender tells him, "get that thing out of here."The Guy says, "No, wait you don't understand. This is no ordinary octopus. This octopus can play any musical instrument you can think of.The bartender says, "Bullshit, no octopus can do that."The Guy says, "No, really I'll bet you one hundred dollars that you can't find a musical instrument he can't play."The bartender says, "OK you're on. Try the piano in the corner."The Guy takes the octopus to the piano and it played like a pro. The bartender went into the back room and brought out a guitar.The octopus played a song on it.The bartender said, "OK I'm not done yet so he brings out three kinds of horns and a set of drums.The octopus played them all.The bartender said, "Alright I have one more instrument to try before I give up. He goes in the back and comes out with a bagpipe, and sets it in the middle of the floor.The octopus gets up on all eight legs and walks around it a couple of times then jumps on it. Then he walks around it a couple more times and jumps up and down on it a few more times.The bartender says, "There I knew I could find one he couldn't play.The Guy said, "Now just wait a minute He'll play it just as soon as he figures out he can't have sex with it.

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men.

He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.

"What the hell is that?" he asks.

"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes"

Then the guy looks to his right and sees. . . three streams !!!

"What the hell is that?"

"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes"

The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see. . . 12 streams!!

"War wound??"

"Naah, my zipper's stuck"

why was the see wet?

cos the seewead

A guy wanted a drink. So he ran into a bar. He fell over and suffered a
concussion.

yo mamma so fat that when god said "let there be light", he also told her to move her fat ass out of the way.

What did one fag say to the other fag in the bar? Can I push your stool?

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. ''Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday'' Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.

One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.

''Well'' the guy says, ''I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18''

The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say ''happy birthday, happy birthday!''

The bartender asks ''so which one died?''

''No one.''

''But you only ordered two drinks!''

''Yeah, well, I've given up drinking.''