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Milking Cow
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  Bar drinking | 28 сентябрь, 2013

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm...

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

Skeleton and the bar
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  Bar drinking | 28 сентябрь, 2013

A skeleton walks in a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

New Gorilla in Bar
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  Bar drinking | 28 сентябрь, 2013

A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. He says to the bartender, "I would like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."

The bartender looks at him like he's nuts and says, " I sorry but I don't serve Gorillas in this bar."

The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives her a wig, dress, and makeup. Then he returns to the same bar. He places the same order and this time the bar tender gives it to them.

They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says, "Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good looking Iraqi ladies that come in here, always seem to be with black men.

Q
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  Bar drinking | 28 сентябрь, 2013

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Drinkers' Troubleshooting Guide
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  Bar drinking | 28 сентябрь, 2013

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and shirt front is wet. Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and beer unusually pale and clear. Fault : Glass is empty. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom : Feet cold and wet. Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom : Feet warm and wet. Fault : Loss of self-control. Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. Symptom : Lap cool and wet. Fault : Drooling on yourself. Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else. Symptom : Bar blurred. Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom :Bar moving. Fault : You are being carried out. Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked. Symptom: Bar looks like a circus. Fault : You're at a circus. Solution : Go to a bar. Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. Fault : You have fallen over backwards. Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar. Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and cigarette butts. Fault : You have fallen over forwards. Solution : Same as for falling over backwards. Symptom : Everything has gone dim. Fault : The pub is closing. Solution : PANIC!!

Wine Warnings
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  Bar drinking | 28 сентябрь, 2013

Due to increasing product liability litigation, wine manufacturers have
accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels
be placed immediately on all wine bottles:

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a moron.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story
over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to they sings like this.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at 4 am in the morning!

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your trousers.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without Spitting.

8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung
Fu powers.

9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning
and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead.

11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Frank.

12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.

13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing with you.

14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to
literally disappear.

Cowboy in bar
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  Bar drinking | 27 сентябрь, 2013

This big rough lookin cowboy walks into the bar. He orders up bottle after bottle of rottgutt liquor and proceeds to get really wasted...In the process he manages to anger just about everyone in the bar by being offensive and rude and being a big obnoxious fool... Finally he finishes up his 5th bottle and decides he's had just about enough. He proceeds to get up and swagger out of the bar. He gets outside to untie his horse from the post and he notices someone has painted his horses balls a real bright shade of yellow. This pisses him off immensely so he proceeds to blow back into the bar, slamming the doors open and yelling out at the top of his lungs. "JUST WHO IN THE SAM-HELL PAINTED MY HORSES BALLS YELLOW!!!!" After everyone in the bar rustles around a bit, a guy in the back of the bar stands up. This guy is HUGE, at least 6'10'' tall, pure muscle... He says to the cowboy, "I did, so what do you got to say about it, boy!!!" The cowboy looks back at this guy and says "Oh, I was going to let you know the first coat of paint is dry."

The butter
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  Bar drinking | 27 сентябрь, 2013

why did the kid throuw thebutter out the window?
because he wanted to see the butter fly



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