The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

6. Windows message: ''Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)''

7. This is a message from God Gates: ''Rebooting the world. Please log off.''

8. To ''shut down'' your system, type ''WIN''

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

15. User Error: Replace user.

16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - ''Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)''

17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

How do you tell an extrovert computer scientist? He looks at *your* shoes when he talks to you.

In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat hacking at the PDP-6."What are you doing?", asked Minsky."I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the net wired randomly?", asked Minsky."I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes."Why do you close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher."So the room will be empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

Manufactured by: MOMCATT - Makers Of Many CATTs Anytown USA (Offices around the World) FEATURES Low Power CPU Self Portable Operation Dual Video Inputs Dual Audio Inputs Audio Output Main Input Multiplexed with Error Output Auto Search for Input Data Auto Search for Output Bin Auto Learn Program in ROM Auto Sleep When Not in Use Wide Operating Temperature Range Self Cleaning Production Details After basic construction, the unit undergoes 6 weeks of ROM programming and burn-in testing. MOMCATT will typically reject inferior products, but sometimes people will salvage rejected units.These factory seconds may or may not perform the same as units that pass the standard acceptance testing. All of the previously listed features are installed during this interval. Since MOMCATT uses many different suppliers, there is wide variation between the individual units. Some of the component matching may be so poor that a featuremay not even work. Fortunately, these units are so cheap that replacement is never difficult. Set up and Use When acquiring a CATT, it is best to visit MOMCATT and see whatunits are currently available. The consumer should examine each unit to verify that all I/O channels are operational. The user should also look for obvious bugs in or on the system. Although these bugs are usually trivial and easily removed, they are indicative of the production environment at the local MOMCATT outlet. When a CATT hasbeen selected, it should be put in a suitable packing case for transport to the new operating environment. Failure to properly package a CATT may result in damage to the unit or injury to theuser. When the CATT is first brought up, it should be in a quiet room, with only the primary user(s) present. The CATT should be taken out ofthe shipping crate and the self learning program should be started by showing the CATT the output bin. The next step is to show the CATT the input bin(s). Some CATTs need more help getting started than other CATTs. If the user already has one CATT and is bringing up a second, it may be possible to download the new CATT from the older more experienced CATT. In either case, the new CATT should be inself learn mode most of the first day or two. When the CATT is new, it also has a tendency to sleep() when the learn buffer overflows.THIS IS NORMAL. When the learn buffer fills, the CATT will go tosleep(), and the DMA system will take over and store the new data inpermanent memory. In a few days, the CATT will be freely interacting with theoperating environment. The user should be aware that the CATT is still too new to be allowed out of the home. Full portability comeslater, after more extended burn-in (some users never let the CATTout, this has some advantages, such as longer unit life). You shouldalso know that if a CATT gets used to going out, you will have a hardtime keeping it inside for extended periods of time. One other caution,if allowed out, a CATT may try to port itself to the other side of the street. Some CATTs have been known to take fatal errors during thisprocess, errors which are never recoverable. Your CATT should have it's own system name. This name will have tobe repeated for the CATT many times so that the learn program reads it correctly. This will be important later on when you want to get theCATT's attention. Another way to get the CATT's attention is toboot it. While this is a very effective method, some users feel that toomuch booting is akin to abusing the system. If the CATT knows it's system name, you can cause the CATT to boot itself by shouting the name at it. Many users want to play games on their system. CATTs play gamesbest when they are young. Older CATTs seem to lose their flexibility,and their joy-sticks lose calibration too. Some of the better CATTgames are: FETCH, MIRROR, STRING, SQRT, JUMP, and CHASE. FETCH is played the same as with the K-9 system, the only difference is that the object code must be smaller. MIRROR is played by placing the CATT infront of a mirror and watching it attempt to parse itself. Occasionally, the CATT will become alarm()ed by the mirror image, panic(), and run away. Rebooting will get it back up. STRING is a game where the CATT parses the end of a data string that is dragged along the floor. SQRT is a game for when the CATT does somethingthat you do not like, you use the well known aversion to water as a formof negative feedback. JUMP is a game like STRING, only the data stringis moved through the air and the CATT reaches new heights of parsing. JUMP may also be played with a stairway or CATT pole. In these versions, the CATT jumps down instead of up. Some users may combinethe two games for even more action. CHASE is a game that is played with two CATTs or a CATT and a K-9 system. In this game, eachsystem takes a turn as the data, while the other tries to parse it. Many other games are also possible. Some of these are: SING, and DANCE. These games rely on the CATT's desire for fishy input data. By tempting the CATT with fishy data, you can extract many wonderful audio outputs. Maintenance CATTs usually require little maintenance. Every year they should betaken to a VET (Vastly Experienced Technician) for PM. The VET willcheck the I/O ports and the operating hardware. Any problems that arise between visits should also be taken to the VET. VET fees are usually reasonable. Some CATTs are periodically plagued by heat problems. A trip to the VET can fix this problem permanently. Conclusions As CATTs get older they generally become more docile. The learn program becomes more efficient and they sometimes get too smart for their own good. Some CATTs even start to watch television (encouragethem to watch NOVA, it is good for them, esp. shows about birds andspiders). Another good thing for CATTs is tropical fish (yes, it ishard to believe, but they do start hobbies). Most CATTs also like to have a few toys. This is OK until they rip them open to see what isinside. A properly cared for CATT can give you years of steady service. Many users like the first so much that they will get a second or even third CATT. Most people really don't need all the extra capacity, but they enjoy the more complex games that can be run. I'd like to hear from other CATT users if they have any special application programs available. If there is enough interest maybewe can start a news group called net.micro.catt.

Sung to the tune of "Gilligan's Island":

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate,
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date,
Two digits for a date.

Main memory was smaller then;
Hard disks were smaller, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two,
So let's get by with two."

"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we rewrite before that
It all will go away,
It all will go away."

But management had not a clue:
"It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a straight expense;
We won't do it just yet,
We won't do it just yet."

Now when two thousand rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero's less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell,
As anyone can tell.

The mail won't bring your pension check.
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two,
But minus thirty-two.

The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure,
The only certain cure.

There's not much time, there's too much code,
(And COBOL-coders, few).
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too,
We may be finished, too.

The way to get the time we need
I now propose to you:
A Daylight Savings decade,
Or maybe even two,
Or maybe even two.

Eight thousand years from now I hope
That things weren't left too late,
And people aren't lamenting
Four digits for a date,
Four digits for a date!

The story takes off where Cinderella just got yelled at by her step-mother, then her fairy godmother comes to her aid.

The fairy godmother says, "I can make you a new dress and give you everything you need to go to the ball... on two conditions!"
"Anything, " says Cinderella, "anything!"

"Okay the first condition is you have to wear a diaphram. The second condition is you have to be back by 2:00 AM or else your diaphram will turn into a pumpkin," says the fairy godmother.

So Cinderella goes to the ball and the fairy godmother just waits and waits and then it gets to be 2:00AM, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 and Cinderella's still not back. Then Cinderella finally shows up and the fairy godmother is astonished as to Cinderella's appearence... no pumpkin!

The godmother asks Cinderella who she was with for she had no idea of a man with such power.

Then Cinderella replies, "Peter, Peter something or other?"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
from the nightstand buttons beep.
PC all set to download a file,
and send the mail in a little while.
Then gather the news before the dawn,
and all the scores from fans long gone.

The AC is set to cut back on cool;
Lights to blink, the burglars to fool.
Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff;
CD to play some, then cutoff.
Sleep-maker set on medium tension,
Voice mail set on no-wake suspension.

Burglar alarm on delay activate;
Carport lite on, for son who's late.
Mr. Coffee all set to percolate;
Dishwasher to run at ten of eight.
Air purifier cleans each hour tonite;
Water filter to fill the tank just right.

VCR to tape three good shows,
Something to watch during winter snows.
Motion detectors on, to check what moves;
White noise machine set to seaside soothes.
Camcorder is ready to film in a flash
Blender's all set, the fruit to mash.

Lord, Bless our all-electric domain;
Keep lightning away should it rain.
Let no errant shock reset it all;
Watch over the breaker box in the hall.
I'm wide awake now from all this hassle;
God bless our multi-megawatt castle.

- Author Unknown