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Bill Gates In Hell
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  Computers | 16 сентябрь, 2013

Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him and says, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of fine wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all?"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "But the bottle has a hole in it!"

"Why the PC?", he continued ", "It's got the latest version of Windows and it's missing three keys!"

"Which three?" said Lucifer.

"Control, Alt and Delete!"

Little Red Riding Hood
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  Computers | 16 сентябрь, 2013

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!

Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again-this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf, " says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away!

About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost?
I'm trying to take a shit!"

How to Tell If You Are a Geek
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  Computers | 15 сентябрь, 2013

1. You make acronyms for everything. Such as: IAG (I'm a Geek) and TMHE
(That Movie had Errors)

2. You know more digits of PI than people.

3. You use the computer more than you sleep. Not just on weekends!

4. You eat "Super Chocolate Lard Blocks" for breakfast.

5. You watch Star Trek every day, and look for small errors.

6. You look on all these websites and find tiny grammar mistakes that no
one cares about.

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer,...
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  Computers | 15 сентябрь, 2013

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie."I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.


Computer Viruses
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  Computers | 15 сентябрь, 2013

Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains
loudly about foreign software. Frequentlyaccompanies the
Right-to-Life and the Randall Terry virus

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do
anything. Secretly, you wish it would

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear
mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your
system, but you just can't prove it.

BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long
to be much of a threat.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size

BOBBITT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then
reattaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service
you're getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying
too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse
around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by
LAN; twice if by C.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus,"
butinstead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file,
regardless of how young it is. If you attempt to erase a file,
it requires you to see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to
run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident.
It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with your
komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds
of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all
of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30
percent of their data 14 percent of the time(plus or minus a 3.5
percent margin of error).

RANDALL TERRY VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you
choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen
splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of
the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is
caused by the other side.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in
Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its
own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self
destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service
stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper
shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
power supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of
mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus
has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing
wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my
docs...no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all
the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it
on the Congressional virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like
a 286AT.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in
last in the reviews, but you still love it.

An IBM acronym
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  Computers | 14 сентябрь, 2013

IBM: It's Better Manually

MS Word + I should fart
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  Computers | 14 сентябрь, 2013

Type "I should fart" (sans quotes) in MS Word, highlight and then click on
thesaurus (shift+f7).

Ask Dr. Internet
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  Computers | 12 сентябрь, 2013

I have been alerted to the presence of a "Dr. Internet" column which claims to be authoritative, but in fact contains several errors. This alternate version obviates this difficulty by making no such claim, but does try to project the aura of quiet wisdom found in the original "Ask Dr. Science." It was apparently written by our overnight janitor one evening when I forgot to log off.

1. How big is the Internet? When did it start? How did it grow?

The Internet is actually much smaller than most people think. It is primarily composed of fiber optic cables no thicker than a human hair, which can be conveniently rolled up and stored in a foot locker. Janitors at the National Science Foundation do this on the third Tuesday of every month when they wax the floors. Since fiber optics are the size of human hairs, they also make attractive wigs. The next time you watch a Sprint commercial, you'll see that Candice Bergen's alleged hair is really the T4 backbone. The earliest origins of the Internet can be traced to Ancient Greece, where a loosely connected set of networks was used to discuss exploration in the Black Sea. The Argonauts, as they were then called, were entirely subsidized by the government, and won one of William Proxmire's first Golden Fleece awards. The Internet grows hyperbolically, but is usually described elliptically.

2. Who owns the Internet?

There is no one person or agency that owns the Internet. Instead, parts of it are owned by the Illuminati and parts are owned by Free Masons.

3. What do the Internet addresses mean?

Precise meanings are often hard to determine. The address baker.lib.washington.edu--which is sometimes written baker@lib.washington.edu--seems to refer to a computer either owned by a baker or by someone named Baker. This can be deceiving however; names like this actually refer to where a computer is located. This one is on top of Mt. Baker. In addition to names, computers on the Internet also have numbers. This is part of the whole right brain/left brain thing.

4. Tell me how to get on and off various lists and discussion groups.

Getting off on various lists is currently the subject of pending legislation.

5. What is "Netiquette?"

"Netiquette" is one of many cutesy neologisms created by combining two other words. In this case, "network" and "tourniquet" combine to describe a program that shuts down a computer if it starts transmitting information too fast.

6. What is "Flaming?"

Along with an improvisational approach to floating point arithmetic, early Pentium chips were noted for generating heat. While some hackers speak fondly of roasting marshmallows over their first P60s, others found themselves badly singed as the chips caught fire. This "flaming" sometimes occurred while the user was composing e-mail, resulting in poorly chosen or excessively vitriolic verbiage.

7. What is "Bandwidth?"

As capacity on the Internet has increased, people have begun to transmit material other than simple text. One notable example is audio recordings of rock concerts. These audio files are much larger than even very long books, so they have become a standard unit of network usage. One Rolling Stone song equals one "band" width, and so on.

8. Why can't I FTP to some places?

There are two main reasons for this. The first is that the site you want to ftp files from is exercising a certain degree of control over its network resources; in network parlance, this is called "fascism." The second reason is that the remote site may be dabbling with such network fads as gopher or the World Wide Web. This is called "keeping up with the times."

9. What is the World Wide Web, Gopherspace, etc?

The World Wide Web, or WWW, is an experiment in generating acronyms that are much more difficult to pronounce than the words they replace. Gopherspace is an older network term. In response to the Soviet space program's early use of dogs in space, NASA mounted a program to orbit a number of different rodents. The programmers involved in this project adopted the motto "Gophers in space!" which has since been shortened. The only actual gopher to go into orbit had been digging up the carrots in Werner Von Braun's garden, and was named Veronica after his daughter.

10.Why can't I get some WWW stuff via FTP?

It can be hard to say this, but some users of the Internet are unable to do things because they are stupid. The comparatively trivial task of getting an ftp client to do every single thing a WWW browser can do is beneath this column's attention.

Tune in next time for Ask Dr. Internet



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