Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

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Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

by Scott Adams

I work in tech support. An end-user called and reported, "My computer is making a strange noise." We visited the site and identified the problem: a pager (set on vibrate) in his drawer. [Editor's note: Later that day he called the Men's Wearhouse 800 number to report that his pants were making a strange noise.]

I work on the help desk here, and have just gotten off the phone with a customer who was asking us about her network connection. She insisted that the 3com card in her PC was not powerful enough for her needs and that she had "looked into it" and had decided she wanted a 4com card instead as they were obviously better.

Our soda machine had an out-of-order sign taped over the money slot. The Induhvidual walked up, lifted the piece of paper, and inserted his dollar. He was still cursing the machine for stealing his money as I walked back to my office.

This one's a double sighting: I stopped off at the gas station to fill up my car. I pumped in $18.50 worth of gas and went to pay. In front of me in line was a guy (obviously from out of town) asking for directions and signing a VISA slip. When that guy left, the fun began:

CLERK: "Can I help you?"

ME: "I'm the $18.50 charge."

CLERK (confused): "Sorry, there's no charges on the computer. But I just charged that last guy $18.50."

ME (very pleased): "You mean that guy paid for my gas?"

CLERK: "No, he was just in here asking for directions."

ME: "Then why did you charge him $18.50."

CLERK: "Ummmm... excuse me!"

Then he ran out of the booth, but alas the other Induhvidual had left. I wonder if the other Induhvidual thinks people in my city always charge $18.50 for directions. [Editor's Note: The lesson here is that if someone asks you for directions, ask for their credit card and charge them. You might get lucky. In fact, it's a safe bet that the Induhvidual in the story is still lost, and that's easy money for whoever runs into that person next.]

I am at a fast order restaurant at one of our local universities. I order a BLT. The Induhvidual behind the counter asked if I would like lettuce and tomato with that. I suppose I could have just wanted a B.

My wife was reading your latest newsletter and said, "individual" is spelled wrong all over this document. [Editor's Note: It's okay to marry Induhviduals as long as you're only doing it for the laughs.]

The sign on the front of the Taco Bell in my town says: "We have tacos." I went in to verify this fact for myself. It turns out that they do sell tacos, never bells. The sign was very helpful.

Here's a true story: The receptionist's intercom buzzes, and an Induhvidual's voice comes through, calling out, "hello, hello?" But the receptionist had stepped away from her desk. Two seconds later, the buzzer sounds again, and it's the same guy, calling "hello, hello?" Still no answer. Next thing you know, the guy comes all the way down the hall from his office, bumps into the receptionist, and tells her her intercom doesn't work. He runs back to his office to prove it to her. "Hello, hello?" She responds, and he excitedly comes all the way back down the hall to her desk to tell her it works now, it must be fixed! She looks at him funny, and he goes all the way back to his office, then buzzes her again, "Hello, hello?" "Yes?" she replies. "Can you bring me that file from your desk?"

Just when you think the educational system is in decay, along comes an inspirational story like this one: Dear Scott, Just a quick report about the success of the joke I played on the faculty of Los Gatos High School (SF Bay Area). The idea came from your newsletter which suggested "converting" a copier to voice activation. The faculty copiers already have electronic boxes which require a password to be entered. I decided to convert one to voice activation. On 4/1/97 I attached to the copier in the faculty workroom a cheap microphone and a label with the following instructions: This copier control is now voice activated. Please state your name and department in a loud, clear voice into the microphone. Almost every teacher that used the copier fell for it. Some even returned later in the day to see if it was working yet. It will be hard to top this one in the future, thanks for the great idea.

WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS

Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "Why on earth did I do that?"

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area...

"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"

Can any of you relate to these "addiction" quips? I sure can :)

The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.

The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.
You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month "unlimited!"
You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
The last girl you picked up was a 800x66 jpeg.
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ...because you never log off!
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed with us."

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

You scan restroom stall for hot HTML addresses.

You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

You check your email. It says "no new messages." So you check it again...and again...and again...

You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.

Your dog has its own home page.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

A blonde and red head were sitting at a table having lunch.
Their conversation turned to Ebay. "I really like to use Ebay."
Said the Red Head. "I bid on it everyday."

"Well I hate Ebay!" Says the blonde.

"Why?" asks the Red head.

"Because I always raise a bidding paddle, and scream numbers at
the computer, But it never hears me.