YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?

Yes.

ARE YOU REALLY SURE?

Yes.

ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?

*****yes!******

OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE'RE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE "ANTI-TRUST" NONSENSE. INGRATE.

Just get on with it.

ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.

Groan.

THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.

Problems? What problems?

THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.

But I'm using it at this very moment.

THAT IS IRRELEVANT.

But if the video card isn't working with the mother board then I can't very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasn't...

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE - MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.

All that?

YES. AND THE HARD DRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DON'T LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.

Well what *DOES* work?

THE MOUSE.

The mouse?

YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.

I don't have a 5 1/4 drive.

YES YOU DO.

No I don't.

WHAT'S THAT THEN?

It's a 3 1/2 drive.

NO IT ISN'T.

Yes it is.

YOU'RE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW.

Look, can you just install XP on my system and I'll download the latest drivers for everything later? Please?

WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN *YOUR* SYSTEM?

Well it is mine.

NO IT ISN'T.

It bloody well is.

NUH-UH. YOU SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX. OUR SYSTEM. IT'S OURS. AND YOU CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY.

But why?

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDJIT. WE CAN'T VERY WELL HAVE PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY, NOW COULD WE? YOU USERS WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE? I'LL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THAT'S WHERE. I... HEY, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOU'RE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHAT'S ON THAT DISK? IS THAT DOS? YOU'RE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE..........

C:\>

IBM: I've Been Moved

1. Compaq is considering changing the instruction "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packed in.

3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to FAX anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to FAX a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor's screen and pressing the "Send" key.

5. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find the printer." The user had also turned the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't see the printer.

6. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in she responded, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. The foot pedal turned out to be the computer's mouse.

7. True story from a Novell NetWire System Operator...
Caller: "Hello is this tech support?"
Tech: "Yes it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting it fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, or at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trade mark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." (At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he was laughing too hard.) The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder.

8. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said put in the third disk -- I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realised that "Insert Disk 2" meant remove Disk 1 first.

A woman, completely fed up with her husbands AOL obsession finally takes matter into her own hands.

One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor. She pulls open the jacket and yells, "Time for Super Sex"!!!!!.

He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex" "Super Sex" "Super Sex".

Finally, he replies, "Ok, I'll take the soup."

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors
addressed this comment by releasing the statement:

"Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a
new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and
fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason,
you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five
percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to
their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a
single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes.

"There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

The 25 bbs commandments:

1 Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.

2 Thou shalt remember thy name and password.

3 Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.

4 Honor thy SysOp.

5 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her.

6 Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning.

7 Thou shalt use the English language properly.

8 Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible.

9 Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.

10 Thou shalt help other users.

11 Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.

12 Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself.

13 Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.

14 Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.

15 Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.

16 Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.

17 If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.

18 Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever.

19 Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOp's rules.

20 Thou shalt observe BBS time limits.

21 Thou shalt not upload "worm" programs.

22 Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.

23 Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.

24 Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system.

25 Thou shalt not hack.

From: Automated Payroll Processing

Date: January 1, 00

Re: Vacation Pay

Dear Valued Employee:

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time for the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work, or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22, which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.