Dear Boss,I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

(AP) The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...

Foul play has not been ruled out.

One morning at church, the pastor was preaching about what God was and wasn't.

He said "God is neither white, nor black. God is neither male nor female."

After hearing all this, a curious 5 year old turned to his dad and asked -"Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"

John Bobbit Virus--
Removes a vital part of your hard disk and then re-attaches it. (But it will never work again.)

•Oprah Winfrey Virus--
Your 850 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 200 MB, and then slowly expands back to 850 MB.

•Politically Correct Virus--
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".

•Right to Life Virus--
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

•Government Economist Virus--
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

•Federal Bureaucrat Virus--
Divides your hard disk into thousands of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

•AT&T Virus--
Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

•MCI Virus-- Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

•Sprint Virus--
Every 3 minutes it tells you that it's better than the AT&T and MCI Virus.

•PBS Virus--
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

•Health Care Virus--
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong with it, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

•New York Jets Virus--
Makes your Pentium II 266 MHz computer perform like a 12 MHz 286 computer.

•LAPD Virus--
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".

•O.J. Virus--
Claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your most important files and vows to find the virus that did it.

•Ross Perot Virus--
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

•Ted Turner Virus--
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

•Dan Quayle Virus--
Their is sumthing rong wit your're komputer, we jsut can't figyour out watt.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked the young engineer, fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a new company car leased every two years ... perhaps, a red Corvette?"

The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied,

"Yeah, but you started it."

Computer Terminology...

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say ''Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.''

Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, ''Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.''

Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced ''gooey'')

Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.''Where did you get such a great bike?''asked the first. The second engineer replied ''Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'''The second engineer nodded approvingly ''Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.''

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."