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Boat ride with the man who couldnt swim
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  Dirty jokes | 28 сентябрь, 2013

There was this man with a really bad studder and he was very ugly. He was rich though. He and his friend were at the beach one day and he said man I really want some sex. How do I get some. His friend told him to buy a boat chicks dig boats.
Well a couple of weeks later the two friends ran into each other. His friend asked him how did the boat thing work out. The friend replied " Well it went good I was getting chicks left and right until I met this one girl. I asked her if she wanted to go out on my boat and of course she did cause chicks dig boats. Well I did what I do with all the other girls I took her way out in the ocean away from everything. I told her put out or swim. Well she pulled down her bathing suit and it was the most god-awful smell the fish were dying in the ocean from it. I told her no nevermind. Well she told me eat or swim."

The friend looked shocked he asked "well what did you do?"

The other guy replied "well you didnt hear about no mother fu**er drowning did you!"

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  Dirty jokes | 28 сентябрь, 2013

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS" the man asks."It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor."Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do?""We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.""Is that going to help me" says the man."No" says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"

Close Shave
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  Dirty jokes | 28 сентябрь, 2013

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer."Just place this between your cheek and gum."The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech."And what if I swallow it?""No problem," says the barber."Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Annual Check-up
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  Dirty jokes | 27 сентябрь, 2013

A guy goes for his annual check-up, and about a week later his doctor calls him in to give him the results.

"Well," says the doc, "You're in pretty good health, however I do have some good news and bad news for you."

"Give me the GOOD news first." requests the guy.

"You're penis is three inches longer than it was on your last physical."

"That's GREAT!" exclaims the guy, "but what's the BAD news?"

The doctor replies, "It's malignant!"

Bear Hunting
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  Dirty jokes | 27 сентябрь, 2013

One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkepper. "I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with"

The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said, "This gun is perfect for any deer"

Taking the gun, and jumping into his Jeep the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his new sport, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a Bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey he took aim and, BOOM!! When the smoke cleared to his surprise, no bear.

Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asked the bear.

"I'm sorry, I did mean to, I'll never do it again!" whined Fred.

"Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am" explains the Bear.

Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM, the bear screws him up the ass.

All pissed off Fred drives away muttering, "I'm going to get that fuckin' bear, no fuckin bear is going to that to me".

Fred goes goes bak to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, and goes back to the park.

Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and there's the bear.

"I'm sorry, I'll never do it agian, I promise", screams Fred.

"I thought I told you not to come back here again", exclaims the bear, "now pull down your pants.

Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again.

Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering, "That's it, I'm going to blow that fuckin bears head clean off"

When he gets back to thte sporting goods store he explains to the shopkeeper, "I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful."

The shopkeepers hands him a gun and says, "This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this"

Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Loooking around he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear.

"You're not in this for the sport anymore, are you?"

Michael Jackson
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  Dirty jokes | 26 сентябрь, 2013

How did Michael Jackson get food posioning? He ate a nine year old weiner.

Jacko busted
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  Dirty jokes | 26 сентябрь, 2013

The Drug Squad raided Michael Jackson's house yesterday.

They found... a Class A drug in his kitchen, a Class B drug in his lounge, and most of class 4C in his bedroom.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman and Curtis

Your Momma Is So Fat
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  Dirty jokes | 26 сентябрь, 2013

Your Momma is so fat that she thought my SUV was a hotwheels car.