A girl and boy had been having a relationship for about four months and one Friday night after work they meet in a bar. They stay for a few drinks and then go on to get some food at a restaurant near their respective houses. They eat then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:
Well, Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been me because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something, so I ask him and he says no, but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the hell that means, because you know he doesn't say it back or anything, so when we get back to his place I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and, I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks any more, I mean, do you think he's met someone else?

His story:
Shit day at work. Great shag later.

1. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it
acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true
male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for
emergencies, i.e. when some portion of your body is on fire.

2. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself
crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some
ammo.

3. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the
emergency listed in Rule 1.

4. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever
she mentions "love" or "commitment."

5. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs.
Pretend they aren't there for as long as you can.

6. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you've known her,
when you're with your friends.

7. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it's real. Attempt to get
tickets to the matches.

8. Scratch yourself in front of them. Watch them squirm.

9. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you
couldn't possibly call any of your female friends, even if it's
local.

10. Never compliment a girl, unless it's behind her back about
the size of her, um...

11. Be early for everything (before the girl is even out of the
shower) or don't show up at all.

12. Tell your girlfriend she doesn't kiss as well as your ex.

13. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match
with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but
neglect to tell your significant other until the day before.
When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks
you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch
wrestling. Tell them she just has PMS.

14. Tell your girlfriend every dirty joke you can think of --
you know how she loves them!

15. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how
red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be
grateful that you're staying with her.

16. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets
injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the
emergency room.

17. Tell her, in detail, about all the girls that hit on you.

18. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse
to dance. Besides, you're just there to stand around and look
cool, right?

19. Automatically assume that she doesn't know a thing about
cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets
you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.

20. Blame everything on PMS.

A beautiful, Voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this women and all his professonalism goes out the windon. Right away he tells her to unfress.

After she has disrobed he beings to stroke her thigh. As he does this he say to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "your're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct, "says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now? "yYou're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes, "she say. "You're getting herpes."

20 Things Guys Think Girls Should Know

1. We're not a bunch of barbarians as you think we all are.

2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a jerk.

3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.

4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.

5. Don't treat us like garbage - what goes around comes around.

6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.

7. If you really liked us for who we are, you would let us believe that our mustache, beard, or sideburns look cool.

8. We never shave our legs. So Get over it.

9. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It's just wrong.

10. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.

11. We absolutely do not care about The Backstreet Boys, 'NSYNC, Justin Timberlake, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.

12. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something wrong.

13. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.

14. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.

15. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.

16. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.

17. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done.

18. Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.

19. Always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach.

20. We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.

IF YOU SEND THIS TO:
0-5 people: you will have bad luck

6-10 people: your crush will notice you

10-15 people: your crush will kiss you

15+ people: your crush will fall in love with you!

He does not have a beer gut, He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He is not quiet, He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is not stupid, He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He does not get lost all the time, He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He is not balding, He is in Follicle Regression.

He is not a cradle robber, He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk, He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He does not have his head up his ass, He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

He is not short, He is Anatomically Compact.

He does not have a rich daddy, He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He does not constantly talk about cars, He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He does not have a hot body, He is Physically Combustible.

He is not unsophisticated, He is Socially Challenged.

He does not eat like a pig, He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He is not a bad dancer, He is Overly Caucasian.

He is not a sex machine, He is Romantically Automated.

He does not hog the blankets, He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is not a male chauvinist pig, He has Swine Empathy.

He does not undress you with his eyes, He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.

He is not afraid of commitment, He is Monogamously Challenged.

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 Light breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - who has gained 30 lbs.
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

There was an Englishman, Scottishman and an Irishman swimming in the sea one day when suddenly they were captured by pirates.

The captain said to them, "Your getting locked up in dungeons for 50 years, but I'll give you something to go in with."

So the Englishman says he wants to go in with booze, so he goes in with his booze.

The Scotsman says he wants some women so he goes in with his women.

Finally, the Irishman wants to go in with cigarettes so he goes in with his cigarettes.

Then 50 years later, the Englishman comes out of his dungeon pissed, the Scotsman comes out with his women and kids, and the Irishman comes out and says, "Got a light?"

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his
company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he
realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the
stadium--he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About
halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his
binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50
yardline.

He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the
stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he
sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse
me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says, "No."

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe
again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who
in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl
and not use it?!" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat
belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she
passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been
together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't
find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No,"
the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."