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In A Mans World
  • 0
  | 25 сентябрь, 2013

* Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

* Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

* Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

* If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

* Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

* Birth control would come in ale or lager.

* You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "The Lone Ranger."

* Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

* The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

* "Sorry I'm late, but I was out getting wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

* At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

* It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

* Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

* Tanks would be far easier to rent.

* Garbage would take itself out.

* Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

* Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"

* Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

* On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

* St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.

* But it would be celebrated every month!

* Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

* The victors in any athletic competition would get to eat the losers for lunch.

* The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

* It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

* Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

* When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. For example:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

* Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

* The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

* People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

* Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

* Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Q. Why do women have belly buttons?...
  • 0
  | 25 сентябрь, 2013

Q. Why do women have belly buttons?
A. To hold your gum on the way down.

Bungee Jumping In Mexico
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  | 25 сентябрь, 2013

Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets. Zeke said to Zeb, “Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea.” After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back. As he came back up Zeke noticed that Zeb's clothes were torn and wondered what that was all about. Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, “Wow, what’s going on here.” Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body. Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, “Zeb, what happened?” Zeb groaned, “I don’t know, but what’s a pinata?

Appliances
  • 0
  | 25 сентябрь, 2013

Q. How do you turn a dish washer into a snowplow?
A. Give the bitch a shovel.


Dog and Fox
  • 0
  | 25 сентябрь, 2013

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 5 drinks.

Barking
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  | 25 сентябрь, 2013

What's the difference between a woman and a dog at your front door? The dog will stop barking once you let it in!

TOP TEN REASONS OREOS ARE BETTER THAN MEN...
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  | 24 сентябрь, 2013

TOP TEN REASONS OREOS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

10. They don't scream if you twist them too hard.
9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed.
8. They are always good.
7. They go away when you want them too.
6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.
5. Don't have to worry about the last person who ate one.
4. It's always fun to swallow.
3. They never talk.
2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean.
1. The creamy white stuff tastes good.

Superbowl
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  | 24 сентябрь, 2013

A man had 50-yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at her funeral."

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis


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