TOP TEN SIGNS NO ONE WANTS TO BE YOUR VALENTINE

10. You ain't a Gingrich, but your nickname's "Newt"
9. The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower Administration
8. You spend your vacation chasin' lizards
7. You get a heart-filled box filled with angry hornets
6. The babes just don't seem to go for your homemade Star Trek uniform
5. You have one of them handsome Ito beards -- and you're a woman
4. Fox is starting a new show about you: "America's Least Wanted"
3. You're taking private tutorials with Joycelyn Elders
2. Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you
1. The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you remember him,
The only reindeer missing a limb.

Fester the Gangreen Reindeer had a bad infected leg,
So they amputated it, and replaced it with a peg,
All of the other reindeer used to laugh in Fester's face,
They wouldn't let poor Fester park in a good wheelchair space.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say,
Fester with your leg that's fake,
What good kindling wood you'd make.
Then how the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee,
Fester the Gangreen Reindeer, you're our favorite amputee.

What does a fat man with white beard say to kids?

Ho! Ho! Ho!

New Policy on Twelve Days

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the ''Twelve Days of Christmas'' subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance

Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French

The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days

Did you ever wonder if the Pilgrims would have killed bobcats instead of
turkeys? And if so on Thanksgiving we'd be eating pussy!

Read this in the songs toon from the last one (12) to the first
one (1). I know you know the song.

1. One homosexual cow
2. Two fake nipples
3. Three genital warts
4. Four ballhairs
5. FIVE ORGASMS
6. Six candied dildos
7. Seven flavored condoms
8. Eight pimps-a-playing
9. Nine prison bitches
10. Ten dogs-a-humping
11. Eleven hookers hooking
12. Twelve crackheads tweaking

What is Santa's worst confession?

He admits that only naughty girls get presents for Christmas!

'Twas the Night Before Christmas: Microsoft Version