A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office,
ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's
side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes
a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before,
was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer
shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are
so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don''t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow
down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a
shilling. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney?", said the Justice, "Here's a
guinea, go and bury 20 of them."

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see
what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart
transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were
any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no
object.

"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an
18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great
diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's
$100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years old,
great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's
$150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a
steak lover. It's $500,000."

"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"

"Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first
name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to
inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for
passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who
was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be
certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

"Suppose son, that one day a gentleman comes into my office with
a simple question. Upon answering the man's question, I charge
him $100.00. He is outraged at the bill for such a simple
question but agrees to pay. The man reaches in his wallet and
grabs a hundred dollar bill and thrusts the money into my hand.
Upon his leaving, I notice that the man has, in fact, given me
two $100.00 bills."

Now the ethical question, "Do I share that money with my
partner?"

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. ''Do you serve lawyers in here?'', the man inquires.

''Sure do!'', replied the bartender.

''Great!'', the man said. ''I'll have a Coors Light, and how 'bout a lawyer for my 'gator.''