1. Nitroglycerin suppository

2. Dr. Kivorkian approved suicide/euthanasia kit

3. Paper cuts from hate mail

4. Wine press

5. Random act of terrorism

6. Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride)

7. Clubbed by a baby seal hunter

8. Exploding gas barbeque

9. Date with Lorena Bobbit / Tonya Harding

10. Rusty meat hook

11. Pulp digester / Saw mill

12. Sexually transmitted disease

13. Lethal injection of bean sprouts and tofu

14. Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open).

15. Barney meets the Terminator. "Hasta la vista...BARNEY!".

16. Exploding school bus

17. Field trip to the Toronto Metro Zoo. Barney loves to spread love to all of the carnivores.

18. Children's Tylenol laced with cyanide

19. Sacrifice to a tribal god

20. Fed through a branch/leaf shredder (or office paper shredder)

21. Trampling by thousands of tiny spongie feet

22. Asphyxiation on a Twinkie

23. Bungee jumping with chord tied around neck

24. 1000 RPM merry-go-round

25. Building sandcastles in a quicksand box

26. Dragged behind a school bus on a gravel road

27. Tail caught in elevator doors

28. Legalization of purple slavery

29. Home lobotomy kit

30. Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid

31. Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal.

32. Thrown in a vat of bleach.

33. Close encounter with a white supremist.

34. Sucked into a turbo-prop engine

35. Submerged into a CANDU reactor

36. Swarmed by killer bees

37. Purple parasites

38. Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel

39. Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney chow)

40. Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler.

41. Assilimation by the Borg.

42. Accupunture with a nail gun

43. Force fed pure sugar and caffeine until he explodes.

43. Barney meets Mr. Chainsaw

44. Hit and run at a school crossing

45. Exploding in an industrial sized microwave oven.

46. Strapped to a shuttle launch pad..3, 2, 1, ignition!

47. Strapped to the heat shields of a space shuttle during reentry.

48. Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens

49. Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife.

50. Harpooned by a whaling ship

51. Dipped in liquid nitrogen, and "accidentally" pummeled with a baseball bat

52. Served as Thanksgiving dinner

53. Eaten by the homeless (Barney pate anyone?)

54. OOPS! Barney shouldn't have soldered that propane tank while full.

55. Mistaken for a Pi=F1ata

56. Run over by a zamboni

57. "I love you" song triggers avalanche.

58. "Accidentally" shoved in front of a subway train.

59. Nuclear warhead explodes at ground BARNEY.

60. Scientific experiments on BARNEY sublimation temperature.

61. Crushed between plates in a fault line.

62. Blended into McBarney shakes, and pressed into McBarney patties

63. Inquiring minds want to know...What is the tensile strength of Barney?

64. Used as a crash test dummy.

65. Barney becomes one with Oscar Myer.

66. Barney used as shark bait.

67. Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study.

68. Used in a TV commercial promotion of Ginsu Knives. Even after cutting this tin can, the ginsu knives rip through purple flesh with ease.

69. Diplomatic mission with Klingons

70. Deep sea diving in a locked steamer trunk.

71. Nato air strike.

72. Live organ donor.

73. Egyptian mummification ritual.

74. Plummet into an active volcano.

75. Coated in honey and fed to the fire ants.

76. Conversion to sugar glazed junk food.

77. Quiet dinner with Jeffrey Dahmer.

78. Pilgrimage to the Holy land.

79. Purple Jonestown reagent.

80. Visit to the taxidermist.

81. Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter.

82. Take him off Prozac.

83. Forced to watch "The Wall" video without his happy pills.

84. 100 hours of continuous "Black Sabbath".

85. Give him a lead role in a snuff film.

86. Tar and feathered by crazed parents.

87. Spontaneous combustion.

88. Bludgeoned to purple paste.

89. Compressed to a singularity.

90. Bent, folded and mutilated by Canada Post.

91. Send him to a Bill's game dressed as a Miami Dolphin.

92. The plague

93. Extruded through microcapilliaries.

94. Forced to spend a week with Bart Simpson.

95. Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron. Too bad about the sudden stop.

97. Pre-mortum autopsy reveals that Barney's head is full of worms.

98. Massage with a stun gun.

99. Heat pasteurization.

100. Barney stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie.

101. Abandoned in a sensory deprivation tank.

102. Barney meets Elmira (I'm gonna hug him and squeeze him to itty bitty pieces.)

103. Put Barney in an old Star Trek episode, in a RED SHIRT.

104. Put Barney in a Star Trek Next Generation episode, in a gold shirt.

105. Make him the drummer of Spinal Tap.

106. Use him as a zap-o-matic target.

107. Paint him green & give him to Gallager for his Sledge-o-matic.

108. Paint him green & give him to David Letterman for a 10 story drop.

109. Confine him with Marvin the Paranoid Android (Douglas Adams).

110. Put a horse collar on him and abandon him on alt.sex.beastiality.

111. Stick him in a car with Ted Kennedy near a bridge.

112. Paint "Branch Dividian & Proud of it" and drop him off at the BATF hq.

113. Put him on a blind date with Lorena Bobbit AFTER she gets her new set of Ginsu(tm) knives.

114. Barney scrapple.

115. Bury him next to Jimmy Hoffa.

116. Tell Tipper Gore he sings on how to masturbate.

117. Recreate the Challenger accident with Barney playing substitute teacher.

118. Use Barney as a test subject for exotic new nerve gases.

Q: What's red and goes up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator.

Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
A: We have to stick together.

Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
A: Hello, hello.

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldoser.

Q: When is a baseball player like a thief?
A: When he steals a base.

Q: What did the can say to the can opener?
A: You make me flip my lid.

Q: What is a volcano?
A: A mountain with the hiccups.

Q: What do you find at the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".

Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
A: He called a toe truck.

Q: Why do two skunks argue?
A: Because they like to kick up a stink.

Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
A: You can count on me.

Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
A: Put them in a barking lot.

Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?
A: He wanted to be a cool cat.

Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack and I'll plaster you.

Q: Why is baseball like a cake?
A: They both need batters.

Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
A: Take me to your weeder.

Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?
A: Slippers!

Q: What did the rug say to the floor?
A: I've got you covered!

Q: How do you make antifreeze?
A: You steal her blanket.

Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?
A: Because her horns don't work.

There was these three people a Canidan, a Newfoundlander and a Chineese man. They had to try to take it half way around the world with it using the bathroom. The Canidan did not do it. The Newfoundlander did not do it. The Chineese did it. The person asked him how he did it. He said Me Chineese me no dumb me stick finger up his bum.

Dumbwaiter:

One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Did you here Mr. Clean is in the hospital? He has ammonia.

why did the chiken cross the park?
to get to the other slide...

from abigail melarangi
age 8

A lady says that the dog is a person.Another lady says it is a mini cow who is right?

Little Willie had a gambling problem. He'd bet on anything. One day, Willie's father consulted his teacher.The teacher said. "Mr.Gaines, I think I know how to teach Willie a real lesson. We'll trap him into a big wager that he'll lose."Willie's father agreed to cooperate with the plan.The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers with the other children, and she said, "Willie, I want you to remain after class."When the others had left the classroom, Willie walked up to the teacher. Before she could say a word, he said, " Dont say it, Miss Brown; I know what you're going to say, but you're a liar!""Willie!" the startled teacher said." What are you talking about.""Your a fake!" Willie continued."How can I believe anything you tell me? You've got this blond hair on top, but I've seen your bush and it's pitch black!"Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said, "Willie that isn't true.""I'll bet a dollar it is !" Willie challenged.The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson."Make it five dollars and you have a bet," she said."You're on!" Willie whipped out a five dollar bill. Before anyone could come into the room, Miss Brown. dropped her panties, spread her legs, and showed Willie that her pubic hair was as blond as the hair on top of her head.Willie hung his head. "You win," he said, handing her the fiver. Miss. Brown couldn't wait for him to leave so she could get to a phone to call his father. She reported what had happened. "Mr. Gaines," she said, "I think we've finally taught him his lesson.""The hell we have," the father muttered. "This morning Willie bet me ten dollars that he'd see your pussy before the day was over.