Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a
diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you,
you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did
you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you
though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From
hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." "No, from skipping."

A radio station routinely paid money for people to tell their
most embarrassing stories. Here was one of the winners.

I was due later that week for an appointment with the
gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his
office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am.
I has just packed everyone off to work and school and it was
around 8:45 already. The trip usually took about 35 minutes so I
didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I
like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such
visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full
effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet
the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of
the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some
clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in
the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure all women do, I hopped up on
the table, looked over at the other side of the room and
pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles
away from here. I was surprised when he said: "My...we have
taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I
didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief
and went home. The rest of the day went as normal, some
shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.

At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready
for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom,
"Mom, where's my washcloth?"

I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She
called back, "No, I need that one that was here by the sink. It
had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

A man lying on a stretcher in the emergency room asks the doctor if he'll be
okay. The doctor turns to him and says, "Well, there is good and bad news."
"Tell me the bad news" says the man.
"Well," says the doctor, "the bad news is that we are going to half to cut
both your legs off."
"Oh my God," cries the man, "what the hell is the good news?"
"The good news is," replies the doctor, "see that man over there? He wants to
buy your shoes."

A doctor from Canada was having an affair with one of his female co-workers.

One day she announced to him that she was pregnant with his child. The doctor gave her enough money to fly to California and live their until the child was born. He gave her instructions to send him a postcard with the word SAURKRAUT on it when she gave birth.

About nine months later the doctor arrived home when his wife handed him a postcard. "Here", she said. "This came in the mail today".

The doctor took the postcard and it read... SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT TWO WITH WEINERS & ONE WITHOUT!

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." "I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked this all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in
line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good
each has done in their life.
Doctor: ''I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in
caring for, and healing thousands of poor people.''
St. Peter: ''That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?''

Nurse: ''I've supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an
adult.''
St. Peter: ''Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about
you?''
Health Maintenance Organization Director: ''I was the president of a very
large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over
the country.''
St. Peter: ''Oh, I see. Please go in...But you can only stay two nights!''

Robert a 70 year old man was unable to take a crap for many days
so he decided to go to the hospital to talk to a doctor. Waiting
in the room the nurse comes in to take his vitals, the nurse
asked him, "Sir what seems to be the problem?" Robert says,
"Well I'm having a hard time taking a crap and I have tried
everything and I don't know what else to do." The nurse says,
"Well you're in the right place. We'll take care of you." The
doctor comes in and asks him as well, "So, what's the problem?"
Robert says, "I can't take a crap. I need help." "Well we will
take care of this!! Nurse, prepare for a enema." Says the
doctor. The doctor leaves and the nurse prepares to get things
together. The nurse says to Robert, "Now sir you need to lay on
your side and relax while I insert this. It will be a little
cold at first." Robert prepares for the cold shock by holding on
to the side rail.

Making faces and moaning he begins to tell the nurse, "What the
hell are you doing down there!!" "We're just about finished,"
said the nurse, "But now I have to tell you that you'll need to
hold this in as much as you can. I have to run and get a bed pan
for you. If you go before I come back I'll get in trouble
because the doctor does not like it for us to leave. But someone
forgot to leave a clean bedpan in here. I'll be right back." The
nurse said. While she was gone Robert kept his butt cheeks very
tight trying to hold it in, wondering where the nurse is, he
begun to squirm and roll around, and then all of a sudden he LET
GO and crapped all over the bed and himself. It was a mess!!
Remembering what the nurse said he rushed to clean it up and
taking the soiled bedclothes and gown off and wondering where to
hide it.

Hearing the nurse coming closer he threw them out the window!
But while he was throwing them out the window a poor old man was
taking a very nice walk, and all of a sudden the soiled
bedclothes landed on him. He screamed and ran back home with
crap all over him. He rushes into his home. His wife ran to him
and asked him, "What the hell happened to you?!" The husband says
to her, "I don't know but I think I just beat the crap out of a
ghost!!"