An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital.
Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the
bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note
into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and
immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something
he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.

The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe, and went to the
door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming
the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started
for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and
hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with
every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is
broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?

Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and
the third's a gay guy. The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in
their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, “I don't care if I die, I need a
drink.” The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops
dead.

Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots
a lit cigarette on the sidewalk. The gay guy looks over and says, “If you bend
down to pick that up, we're both dead.”

A well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $
5000.

The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things:

1 screw $1 Knowing how to put it in $4999 $5000 total

The businessman never argued.

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant. The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"

The doctor replied "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"

The patient's friend replied "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"

"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"

Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died. He said, ''You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.'' He opened the note, and read, ''Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!''

How do you know you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
When the cake jumps out of the girl!

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around the London Memorial Hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room where you could see a man masturbating wildly through the window.

Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

"Ah," said the doctor. "It is unfortunate that you had to witness that, but the poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day, his testicles will explode."

"Oh," said her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable that he must do that."

A little further on down the corridor, they passed another room. The door was open and through it you could see a very pretty nurse who was clearly giving a patient oral sex.

"Goodness gracious!" shrieked Her Majesty. "I demand an explanation for this kind of sordid behavior."

"Ah," said the Doctor. "Same problem, but he has a better health plan."