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Better to BE
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  Other | 28 сентябрь, 2013

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Scotsman And a Jewish
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  Other | 28 сентябрь, 2013

A Scotsman and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the
finest restaurants in New York. At the end of the evening the waiter came over
to present the check and a Scottish voice said " That's all right laddie just
gae the check to me ". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed
“Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death ".

Glossary by Design
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  Other | 28 сентябрь, 2013

What the Engineer says (What it really means)

A number of different approaches are being tried.

(We are still grasping at straws.)

We're working on a fresh approach to the problem.

(We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)

Close project coordination.

(We know who to blame.)

Major technological break through.

(It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)

Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.

(We are so far behind schedule the customer is

happy to get it delivered.)

Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.

(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

Test results were extremely gratifying.

(We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)

The entire concept will have to be abandoned.

(The only person who understood the thing quit.)

It is in process.

(It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)

We'll look into it.

(Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)

Please read and initial.

(Let's spread the responsibility for the mistake.)

Give us the benefit of your thoughts.

(We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.)

Give us your interpretation.

(I can't wait to hear this!)

See me, or Let's Discuss.

(Come into my office, I'm lonely.)

All new!

(Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged

(Too heavy to lift!)

Lightweight

(Lighter than rugged.)

Years of development

(One finally worked.)

Energy saving

(Achieved when the power switch is off.)

Low maintenance

(Impossible to fix if broken.)

Michael Jackson Wants Sex
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  Other | 28 сентябрь, 2013

After Michael Jackson's wife had her baby, Michael asked her how long it would be before he could have sex.

She replied "For Christ's sake, let the little bastard start walking first !!!!!"


Tres hermanos que vivían lejos
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  Other | 28 сентябрь, 2013

Tres hermanos que vivían lejos de su pueblo natal y se habían vuelto ricos discutían para ver quien había hecho el mejor regalo de navidad a su anciana madre."

El primero dijo, "Yo le construí una mansión." El segundo dijo, "Yo le envié un Mercedes con todo y chofer." El terceró sonrió y dijo, "Yo les gané a los dos. ¿Recuerdan cómo le gustaba a mamá leer la Biblia? Y cómo ustedes saben ella ya casi no puede ver. Así que yo le conseguí un loro que recita la Biblia entera. Les tomó 12 años a los monjes de un convento para enseñarle. Es un loro único. Mamá sólo tiene que decirle el capítulo y el verso y el loro se lo recita."

Poco después, la anciana señora envió cartas de agradecimiento a los tres:

"José, la casa que me construiste es tan grande que yo sólo ocupo un cuarto y tengo que limpiar todo el día."

"Pedro, estoy muy vieja para viajar, así que rara vez uso el Mercedes. Y el chofer es un haragán..."

"Querido Manolo, tú si que sabes lo que le gusta a tu madre... La gallina estaba deliciosa."

Fun With Cops
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  Other | 28 сентябрь, 2013

*Take his nightstick and play whack-a-mole with his head.

*Ask the cop if you can use his pepper spray to “spice up” your takeout.

*Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself.

*When he walks up to you, look at his gut and say “I thought you had to be
physically fit to be a cop.”

*Draw happy faces on all the pages in his ticket book.

*Ask if his bulletproof vest would protect him from projectile vomiting.

*Ask him if you can take his squad car out for a joy ride.

*When he ask you for your licence say, “Oh sure officer, I could reach it if
you'd hold my beer.”

*Explain speeding with, “See officer, I was driving along when I dropped my
bag of crack. I tried to pick it up but, when I did, my gun fell and jammed my
foot against the gas pedal.”

*Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.

*Tell him you wanted to be a cop but decided to graduate high school instead.

*Ask him if his badge is made of chocolate.

*Try to bribe him with chucky cheese tokens.

*Try to bribe him with one-dollar bills. When he declines, remind him that
“with 10-10-220 you can get all calls up to twenty minutes for 99 cents.”

*Pay all ticket fines with pennies.

*Ask him how many donuts he can eat in one minute. Ask him to prove it.

*When you spot some cops with a radar gun pull over, show them a hair dryer
and yell, “I've got one too!”

*Say to him, “Don't cheek the trunk. Nope, nothing in there. Scout's honor.”

*When he asks you to explain why you were going so fast, tell him that you
were going to Dunkin' Donuts and you know he'll understand.

*When the cop is talking to you, ignore him and roll your window up and down
while looking amazed that it does that.

*Ask him what he is doing out so late.

*Ask him if you can play cops and robbers

*Call his dog Admiral, regardless of what its real name is.

*Throw the cop's nightstick and tell Admiral to go fetch.

*Tell him that the wee little leprechauns made you do it.

*Ask him if he can make strobes with his police lights.

*When he tries to open the door taunt him by locking the door when he tries to
open it, then unlocking it when he looks away. Repeat this several times.

*Paint flames on the side of his squad car.

*Paint flames on the side of his uniform.

*When he walks up to your car-put your hands on your face and mutter, “If I
don't see you I can't get a ticket.”

*Throw cans of Spam at him.

*When he tells you to put your hands on the hood, walk to his car and put your
hands on his hood.

*Say to him “Darn, officer you must of been going fast to keep up with me!!”

*Tell him you were testing to law of perpetual motion when the escape vector
was off causing Philbin's law to take effect...

*Tell him he should've been on a pony so you could've outran him.

* When he walks up to you have the radio full blast, look forward without
saying a word and breathe in and out very loudly.

* When he ask you to walk the straight line, “Riverdance” instead.

* When he asks you to say your alphabet backwards count backwards from ten
instead.

*When he asks you to touch your nose, poke yourself in the eye and start
acting like Curly from the Three Stooges.

*Keep his pen.

*If they put you in the back of the squad car, sing, “Mary Had a Little Lamb”
loudly and obnoxiously over and over all the way to the Police Dept.

*Say “Could you tighten these cuffs? My hands don't hurt yet.”

*Instead of pleading the fifth admendment plead the 13th or the 18th Instead.

Bonus points if you can do any of these without getting hit over the head
with a nightstick.

Double bonus if you can do all of these without getting the death penalty.

Would you Like to Join?
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  Other | 28 сентябрь, 2013

The Prayer Group God willing! The Co-Dependence Club Can I bring a friend? The Agoraphobics Society Only if they meet at my house The Self Esteem Builders They wouldn't accept me anyway The Procrastinator's Club Maybe next week The anti-perspirant club? Sure. The pregancy club? Conceivably. The Spanish optometrists club? Si The Arafat club? Yessir. The Alzheimer's club? Forget it. The compulsive rhymers club? Okey-dokey. The Peter Pan club? Never. Never. The Japanese theater club? Noh. The quarterback club? I'll pass. The Rhett Butler club? I don't give a damn. The Groucho Marx club? You bet your life. The Ebert movie club? Roger. The Yoko Club? Oh no The German philosophy club? I. Kant. The Ford-Nixon club? Pardon me?

Cierta noche, ya de madrugada,
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  Other | 28 сентябрь, 2013

Cierta noche, ya de madrugada, un tipo le mostraba su nuevo apartamento a unos amigos. El anfitrión los lleva a su dormitorio, donde está un gigantesco gong de bronce.

"¿Y eso?", pregunta uno de los invitados.

"Es mi reloj parlante".

"¿Reloj parlante? ¿Y cómo funciona?", indaga otro de los amigos.

"Mira", dice el hombre, y le da un fuerte golpe al gong con un mazo, que lo hace retumbar en una forma impresionante.

De pronto, se oye un grito a voz en cuello desde el otro lado de la pared:

¡Por Dios, grandísimo hijo de puta! ¡Son las 2 de la mañana!"



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