1. I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt have not too many other Gods besides
me.

2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a shop
class.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of thy God in vain without the express
written consent of thy God. The name "Thy God" is the sole property of thy God.
Any use of the name of thy God without the express written
consent of thy God is unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by thy
God.

4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.

5. Honor thy single parent.

6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office.

8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.)

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing
before Judge Wapner.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks, or his
powertools.

Which of these three don't belong?

A Green Bean
A Soy Bean
A Vibrator

The Green Bean. The other two are meat substitutes.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Llega un niño a la tienda y se dirige al tendero:

"Me da diez pesos de esos dulces que están hasta arriba".

El tipo va por la escalera y la coloca debajo del anaquel; sube por los dulces; baja de la escalera y despacha al pequeño; vuelve a colocar los dulces en el estante; se baja y guarda la escalera. En eso, llega otro chiquillo:

"Me da diez pesos de esos dulces que están hasta arriba".

El hombre va por la escalera y la coloca debajo del anaquel; sube por los dulces; baja de la escalera y despacha al niño; vuelve a colocar los dulces en el estante; se baja y guarda la escalera. En cuanto la guarda, llega otro chiquitín:

"Me da diez pesos de esos dulces que están hasta arriba".

El abarrotero, ya algo molesto, va por la escalera y la coloca debajo del anaquel; sube por los dulces; baja de la escalera y despacha al niño; vuelve a colocar los dulces en el estante, cuando ve que se acerca otro niño. Esta vez, decide esperar arriba de la escalera y se adelanta al menor:

"¿Tú también quieres diez pesos de estos dulces que están aquí arriba?"

"No", contesta el niño.

El hombre deja los dulces en el estante; se baja y guarda la escalera y se dirige al chico:

"¿Qué vas a querer?"

"Yo quiero cinco pesos de esos dulces que están hasta arriba".

Q: How do you get a one-armed dumb guy out of a tree? A: Wave to him.

A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled."Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed."I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"

What's faster than a pound coin rolling down a hill?

The Jew chasing it.

There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one
day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike. The other priest
asked where his bike was so the first priest said, "I don't know, but I think it
got stolen!"
The other priest said, "Well what you do is read off the Ten Commandments, and
when you get to "Thou shall not steal" someone will confess to the crime."
The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back. "I see
you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?" the one priest said.
The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got
to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I had left it."

A man walks into a shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."

"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, you could make a million dollars off of him!!"

"You speak to him," says the man, "He wants to be a doctor."