El pretendiente acudió a la casa de su novia para pedir su mano:

"¿Y a qué se dedica usted, joven?" pregunta el padre de la chica.

"Soy el encargado de mantenimiento" responde con orgullo en la voz el aspirante.

"¡Ah, qué bueno!" se alegra el papá. "Desde ahora le encargo que nos mantenga también a mi esposa y a mi".

ancient Romanian proverb...

The church is near,
but the roads are icy.

The tavern is far,
but I will walk carefully!

A guy with a Doberman pinscher asks his friend who has a Chihuahua if he wants to grab a bite to eat.

The man with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go into a restaurant. We've got dogs with us."

"Just follow my lead," assures the other man.

They walk over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses before entering.

When he gets inside, the doorman says, "Sorry sir, no pets allowed."

To which the man replies, "It's OK, this is my seeing eye dog."

"A Doberman?" the confused host asks.

"Yes, they're using them now. They're really quite good."

The host shrugs and says, "Come on in."

Next, the guy with the Chihuahua decides to give it a try, so he puts on his sunglasses and walks in.

The host stops him immediately and says, "Sorry guy, no pets allowed."

"You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog," the man replies.

The host says, "Oh, come on, a Chihuahua?"

At which point the man yells, "They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

The Statements Car Owners are Really Making

Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX - I am impotent
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely ejaculate
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang -I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car thatis in the shop 280 days per year.
>Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie
Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife

Estaba una mujer haciendo el amor con su amante, cuando de repente llega el marido que estaba de viaje.

"¡Pronto, pronto, quédate parado aquí como si fueras una estatua!"

En eso entra el marido y le pregunta a la mujer:

"Mujer, ¿qué hace este hombre desnudo aquí en mi habitación?"

"No, querido, estás equivocado, no es un hombre, es un robot de última generación, hecho para satisfacer sexualmente y, además, altamente computarizado. Fíjate en la piel, es igual a la nuestra, todo, inclusive el calor, tócalo, tócalo. ¿Verdad que están llegado a límites insospechados en eso de la creación de robots?"

"Está bien, está bien, pero prepárame algo de comer que el viaje este me dejó demasiado hambriento y con deseos de hacer el amor".

"Pero querido, eso no va a ser posible porque estoy con la menstruación".

"¡Bueno, bueno, está bien, prepárame algo de comer!"

En eso, la mujer se va a la cocina y el marido observa cuidadosamente al amante, hasta que decide que si servía para la mujer, debería servir también para el hombre; pero cuando se lo va a clavar por la parte trasera, éste dice con voz robótica:

"E-r-r-o-r d-e-l s-i-s-t-e-m-a... Z-o-n-a e-q-u-i-v-o-c-a-d-a".

Entonces, el marido se dice para si mismo:

"¡Bah, si no sirve para mí, lo lanzo por la ventana! ¡Qué carajo!"

Pero cuando el esposo lo carga para lanzarlo por la ventana, el amante recuerda que está en el piso 21, así que rápidamente suelta:

"F-a-ll-a r-e-s-u-e-l-t-a... P-r-u-e-b-e o-t-r-a v-e-z".

A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell yo exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers "sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says: "you have here exactly 1436 sheep!"

"This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep" says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his Cherokee.

Then he says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not" answers the young man.

"You are a consultant" says the shepherd.

"This is correct" says the yuppie, "How did you guess that?"

"Easy!" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to, while in fact you don't know SHIT about my business, because you took my dog!"

Cierta noche, Manolo llega a su casa; pasa a la habitación; se quita la ropa y se acuesta al lado de su esposa. Antes de dormir, casualmente echa la mirada hacia los pies y se queda estupefacto:

"Pilarica, ¿qué es lo que está pasando? Yo veo seis pies del otro lado de la cama".

"¿Cómo puede ser? Son cuatro. Cuéntalos bien".

El hombre se levanta, se pone enfrente a la cama y se pone a contar:

"Uno, dos, tres, cuatro... Oh, sí, es verdad..."

Y se acuesta a dormir tranquilo.

When God created the earth, Adam & Eve, he found he had two baubles left over. He came to Adam & Eve & said, "I have two things left. One is the gift to piss while standing up."

Adam got very excited: "Oh, that would be so great, I would really like that. If I'm out in the fields, I can just go right there."

So Eve smiled & said, "Okay, it sounds like he really wants that."
As Adam tried out his new gift, he asked out of curiousity, "What was the other gift?"

"Oh," God said, looking, "Multiple orgasms."