This newlywed couple decides to go to a lake resort for their honeymoon. During check in, they explain to the desk clerk that they are on their honeymoon and would like a suite. After paying the couple heads up to their room. Only 10 minutes go by and the husband is down at the desk asking to rent a fishing pole. The clerk was shocked to see the man wanting to go fishing on his honeymoon. The clerk told the man: "I would be up there with your wife, it's your honeymoon." The man replied: "My wife has herpes, besides I really love to fish." The clerk tells the man: "There's other thing you can do on your honeymmon you know" The man replied: "I know, but she also has hemmoroids and gum disease, besides I really love to fish. The clerk then asks: "If your wife has so many things wrong with her why did you marry her?" The man replied: "She also has worms, and like I said "I really love to fish."

It's 8 a.m. at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the crap table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on the roll of the dice. The dealers agree.She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I am bottomless."They both nod yes, and With that she strips naked from the waist down and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of panties!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"She picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll?"The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"

A bloke goes into a bar carrying a small box. He asks the bartender "If I show you the neatest thing you've ever seen will you give me a free beer?"
The bartender says, "Sure, but I've got to warn you I've seen a LOT of things in my time."

"Yeah, but you've never seen anything like this!" says the man opening the box to reveal a tiny little person playing a piano, jamming away, "He plays Bach, Stravinsky, He plays John Cage, he plays it all,"

The bartender is mightily impressed.

"That IS the neatest thing I've ever seen. Where did you get him?"

"Well I was walking on the beach, found this brass lamp and rubbed it, and a genie came out and granted me a wish,"

"Do you think I could have a wish too?" the barman asks.

"Sure," says the man, producing the lamp from his coat pocket. The bartender gives it a rub, and then the genie pops out, so the bartender says "I wish for a million bucks!" POOF! The bar is full of duks. They are flying around, crapping on everuthing, they're everywhere. The bartender screams at the man, "Why didn't you tell me your Genie was DEFECTIVE!!!?"

"Yep, hard of hearing. I didn't ask for a 12-Inch Pianist, either".

there was three men a chinese a indian and black guy so they were going in 2 the woods so the black guy was carrying a bottle of water and the indian guy was carrying some ice and the chinese guy was carrying a car door so there boss ask the black guy y is he carrying the bottle of water for and he said so he can drink then he ask the indian guy y is he carrying the ice and he was like 2 cool out the system and then he ask the chinese y is he carrying the car door so he was like when it rains he's gonna wine up the glass

Well the other day I walked into a bakery and there were two doughnuts, a big one and a little one. I picked up the big donut and this women goes, "Hey don't be greedy you shouldn't have that big doughnut all to yourself!" So I replied "Well I'm at the front of the queue! Anyway which one would you have chosen?" The women said "The little one, of course!" And I answered: "So what are you moaning for, I left it for you!"

Bill Clinton is walking around in the White House when he stumbles upon a very old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it. Within seconds, a genie pops out
"I will grant you but one wish" the genie says.

Clinton thinks it over, and says, "I wish for peace in the middle east."

"Where is that?" the genie asks.

Clinton pulls out a map and points to the mid-east.

"Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how long they've been fighting over there? There's no way I can stop that! Pick another wish instead."

Clinton thinks it over and says, "I wish that the American people wouldn't make fun of me and my wife, and that I will be remembered as the best President of all time."

The genie says, "Let me see that map again."

Once there were three boys sitting in the park, and a police officer came over to them, and told them they had to come with him to the court because there had been reports of something strange going on in the park.
So, when they got to the court, the judge asked the bailif to bring the first little boy in, and the judge asked him what he had seen. The little boy said "Well, sir, there were these two people, and they were fuckin". Judge said "Son, i dont' allow that kind of language in my court room, bailiff, take him out."

So, the judge called in the second little boy, and asked him what he had seen. Little boy said "Well, sir, there were these two people, and they were screwing." Judge again said "I don't allow that kind of language, take him out too."

So, then the judge called in the third little boy and asked the same question. The third little boy said "Well, sir, I saw ten toes up, ten toes down, two assholes goin round and round, six inches out, and six inches in, that's all i'm sayin so i don't get thrown in the pin."

One day Buddy and Ruddy come upon a genie. The genie says, "You EACH get three wishes." So Buddy wishes, "I wish for all the beautiful women in the state." The genie grants that. Then Ruddy says, "I wish for a million dollars." The genie grants that. Then Buddy wishes, "I want all the beautiful women in the COUNTRY." The genie grants that." Then Ruddy wishes, "I would like a Harley Davidson motorcycle." So the genie grants that. Then Buddy wishes, "I wish for all the women in th WORLD!" The genie hesitates and grants that. Then Ruddy wishes, "I wish that Buddy was a woman."