A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do
you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

A driver is stopped by a police officer.
The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

A man walks into a bar and he sees a guy with a foot long liter. he asks "the man where did he get it?" the guy "replies there is a lamp by the lake rub it and the genie in it will grant you one wish." So the man runs to the lake finds the lamp rubs it and asks for a million bucks when he gets home there is a million ducks. He goes back to the bar and told the guy what happened. The guy replies" You think I asked for a footlong bic?"

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Two hunters were out in the woods, and they were lost and one said "I think were lost"
the other one said "shoot three times into the air and help will come. So they shot and shot until one said "this doesn't seem to be working an dwere almost out of arrows.

Two men were out in the woods hunting.
Suddenly, one of them clasped his chest, suffering from a heart attack.

Instantly, his friend whipped out his cell phone and dialed 9-1-1. When the operator came on, she heard a frantic voice say that his friend had just had a heart attack and died. Calmly, she replied that he should make sure that his friend was really dead. He said ok and asked her to hold. A few moments later, the operator heard a gunshot, followed by the man coming back on, confirming the death and asked what he had to do next.

"I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes."

"Have you seen a doctor?"

"No, just spots."

Tony went into the fish market to apply for a job.

The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Bronx kid, so he decided to set a test for Tony hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Tony says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Tony says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".

Tony stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Tony answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's - dirty tree 'n dirtytree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Tony so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."

Tony stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."

The boss looks at Tony's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."

He then tells Tony, "Go on Tony, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."

Tony leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree", so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an 'a turd, which makes 100.

"When do I start my job?"