Two friends are out squirrel hunting whennthey encounter an angry bear. The bear is coming toward them and they know they can't stop it with their squirrel guns.
The first hunter says "What are you going to do?

The second hunter says "I'm going to run like hell"

The first hunter says "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear!

The second hunter says "I don't have to outrun that bear. I only have to outrun YOU!

Satterfield sat in the office of Dr. Hobbs. "I've got an emergency out
at my house, Doc," muttered Satterfield. "My son Steve was kissing his
girlfriend while his mother and I were out this afternoon, and he got
his braces locked."

"No problem," said the dentist. "I have to unlock teenagers' braces
all the time."

"From an I.U.D.?"

First, these basics Knowledge is Power Time is Money and as every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time.So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get: K = P (1) T = M (2) P = W/T (3)Now, do a few simple substitutions: Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4)Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5).Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work over Money.What this MEANS is that: 1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and 2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work Over Knowledge.From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know.Solving for Work, we get W = M K (7) Work equals Money times KnowledgeFrom equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work.Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.

A huntsman was hunting in the mountains one day and he came upon a bear. as the bear chased him he triped he began to pray:please let this bear be a christian,please let this bear be a christian!!! all of a sudden the bear got on his knees and prayed: thank you dear lord for the wonderful meal i am about to eat!

Bob and joe are fishing in a boat. bob pulls up a lamp on his line. a genie pops out and said he would give bob one wish. bob said to turn the lake into beer. the genie granted his wish. bob turned to joe and asked,"what do ya think?" joe said,"i think you're an asshole! now we gotta piss in the boat!"

3 men were in the woods. They took a wrong turn and they came to a cliff. Then suddenly a genie appeared. She said "you guys finally found my home! you can now have one wish each. all you have to do is say what u want and jump off the cliff. you will land in what you want." The first guy said " i wish for money" he jumped and landed in money. The second guy said" i wish for gold" he jumped and landed in gold. The last guy went to the edge and saw the men. He was about to make a wish when he tripped over a rock he said "shit!!". Then he landed in in shit.

When Mike got arrested, they told him, "Anything you say will be held against you."
Mike said, "Claudia Schiffer's breasts."

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.
--Bobcat Goldthwait