One day two drinking buddies Jim and David were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up “Man I really need a drink!” in response David replied, “You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk.” “Really?” said Jim “That’s what I heard man. Do you wanna try it?” Said David “Sure, hell I’ll try anything once!” Said Jim. SO with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. so they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up wet to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn’t felt this good in years. “Wow!!” He said. About that time his telephone rang. “Hello?” Jim Said “Hello Jim? Came the reply “This is David man. How are you feeling this morning?” Jim said “Man I feel great no hang over not sick man I feel like a million bucks. How about you?” David replied” Me too man, but I have one question for you.” Jim said, “Sure man what is it” “Have you farted yet man?” Jim said “Ummmmm No. Why?” “Man don’t. I’m in Phoenix!”.

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.

"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Mike. "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

Dave and his wife were laying in bed when Dave decided that he was going to go fishing. He then informed his wife that he was going to give her three options for her day. 1 was that she was going to go fishing. 2 was that she was going to give him a blow job. 3 was that she was going to screw him. He told her that he was going outside to load the boat, and would be back in 10 minutes.
Sure enough, 10 minutes passed and he returned. Dave asked his wife what her decision was. She replied that she did not want to go fishing. She then said that she did not want to screw him, so a blow job it was.

She began and lasted about three seconds when she came up spitting, and replied that his dick tasted like shit. Dave's response was, "Yeah I know, the dog didn't want to go either."

Two people go hunting.One shoots a bow arrow in a deer.He says,"Sit down and wait here and don't make a sound".So he leaves. The other man does not make a sound. So the other man findsthe deer but then he hears a scream. He runs to the man sitting down. he says "Why did you scream"? The other man says" I did not scream when a snake bit me butI did scream when two chipmanks ran up my pantlag and said"Should we eat them here or take them home".

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ¡§My friend is dead! What can I do?¡¨ The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ¡§Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.¡¨ There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: ok, now what?

A fellow was suffering from constipation, so his doctor perscribed
suppositories

A week later he was back at the doctor's complaining his constipation
had gotten worse, not better.

The doctor asked "Have you been taking the suppositories regularly?"

"What do you think I've been doing," said the fellow, "Shoving them up
my ass?"

Far out at sea two irish men were stranded
on a raft. One day the first one found a bottle floating in the ocean, after opening the bottle a genie appeared.

"I will give you one wish".the genie bellowed

Without thinking the second man yelled " I wish the whole ocean was Guiness beer!".

"You idiot",yelled the first man,"Now we will have to pee in the boat".

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit! and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate's disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12.. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.! ): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole