One day, a man who had just turned 50 retired from his job. It was his birthday, and he was waiting for his surprise party from his wife when he got home. As he walked into his house, ther was no one there. He looked around and found a not laying on the counter. It read, "I've left you for George, we're through." The man was dumbfounded, and extremely pissed. "Who does she think she is? Leaving me for my best friend on my birthday?" He got mad and tore up the house. On his way out, he ripped up the neighbors yard as well. He got in his car and sped down the road, going 80. He stopped at a car dealership and looked around. "What the hell," he thought, "I'll get the speed demon I've always wanted." So he traded in his car and some extra cash for a speed demon. He was flying down the road, going 130 when he saw blue lights flashing. "I don't care anymore, screw him." So he ran from the cops. After a grueling chase, he was stopped. "Why the HELL were you speeding sir?" The man smiled and replied, "Well, today is my birthday, and my wife left me. I got home, but she wasn't there, because she left me. So I went for a ride by myself. Did I mention my wife left me? Then I got this hot rod, because I didn't have my nagging wife to tell me no. Then, I decided to speed because my wife wasn't here to tell me to slow down. I did mention my wife left me, didn't I officer?" The officer nodded in impatience and replied, "Yes, you've said that many times. But why the hell didn't you pull over when you saw the lights?" The man smiled and replied, "Well, when my wife left me, she left me for my best friend George. George is a cop, and I thought you were George, and I thought you were bringing her back."

With Viagra such a hit, a major drug company is bringing forth a whole
line of
drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's
society....

Directra - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on
car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when
they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

Projectra - Men given this experimental new drug were far more
likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a
new one.

Childagra - Men taking this drug reported a sudden,
over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning
up
spills and "little accidents."

Complimentra - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new
hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend
to noticing new clothing.

Buyagra - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden
urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after
talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug
can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's
return limit.

Nega-Viagra - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra.
Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

Nega-Sportagra - This drug had the strange effect of making men
want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other
family members.

Flatulagra - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal
gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be
doubled for long car rides.

Flyagra - This drug has been showing great promise in treating
men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Expecially useful for men on
Viagra.

Pryagra - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men
in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal
affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test
subjects into "special prosecutors."

Liagra - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when
being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular,
Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

Three Gay Men Die

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.

Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the

same time,and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, 'My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up

in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.'

The second man said, 'My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm

going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake

The third man (Bobby) said, 'My Jim was such a good lover, I think

I'm

going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my

ass up just one more time.

A newspaper photographer, reporter and editor are walking down the beach.
They see a bottle in the sand. The reporter grabs it, rubs it, and a genie
pops out. So grateful is the genie he grants them each one wish.

The photographer says, "I want to be on a mountain top with the wisest of
the wise, soaking up wisdom." And poof, he's gone.

The reporter says, "I want to be on a tropical paradise being served pina
coladas and bon bons all day long." Poof, she's gone.

And the editor says, "I want those two jerks back here, right now!"

I had a coonhound once that was so well trained that all I had to do was show it a certain size fur stretching board and that hound would go out and tree a coon the exact size of that board.
Well, one day my wifehappened to set the ironing board out on the porch to clean it and I ain't seen that hound since!

What do you get when you put 50 politicians in a room with 50 lesbians?

- 100 people who don't do dick!

A man goes hunting on day and sees a big bear ..so he thinks to himself that would look great in my game room...so he picks up his little rifle///takes aim...and fires....loud bang,big cloud of smoke...."i got him" the hunter says..he runs over to get his prize...look down and no bear...just then he feels a tap on his sholder..he turns around and the bear says to him..."suck my dick or die" so the hunter does his thing to the bear and goes home pissed off....
the next day the hunter returns for pay back with an even bigger gun..." ill get him this time" he says....he spots the bear takes aim...fires...loud bang...big cloud of smoke...he runs over to where the bear is...nothing...the hunter feels a tap on his sholder turns around and the bear says "suck my dick or die" hunter does it and goes home really pissed now...
next day hunter brings a fucking rocket launcher...sees the bear and "boom!!!!" the hunter runs over to where is and still nothing...he feels another tap on his sholder and the bear says....."your not here for the hunting are you"

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green,... I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?"