Jack was going to get married to Jill, so his father set him down for a pre-wedding chat.

He says, "Jack, let me tell you something, on my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Try these on.' She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' So, I replied 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good idea.

So, on his honeymoon he takes off his pants and hands them to Jill saying, "Try these on."

Jill says, "These are too big, they won't fit me."

Jack says, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and don't you forget it."

Jill then takes off her pants and hands them to Jack. She tells him, "Put these on."

He looks at her and says, " I can't possibly get into your pants."

She smirks at him and says, "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

What do most women miss most about being single?

Having sex!

Buying a Fur Coat

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!"

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other woman replied, "Yes, I
married the wrong man."

A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone.

Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.

Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"

"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A newlywed couple were looking for ways to make a few extra
bucks. They had thrown around a few ideas, but the husband
suggested that his wife do some prostitution. On that night he
let her out of the car and told her that if she needed anything,
he would be around the corner. He then tells her that she is to
charge no less than $100 for her services. He drives away and
parks around the corner. A car pulls up with a man asking for
service. She tells him that it will be $100. He digs around in
his wallet and pulls out $30. He then asks what he can get for
the money. She asks him to wait there for a minute and tells
him that she would be right back. She runs around the corner
and explains to her husband that she has a customer that only
has $30 and asks what she can give him for it. The husband
tells her that she can give the man a hand job. She runs back
to the car with the man anxiously waiting for her return, and
tells him that she will give him a hand job. She gets into the
car and begins unzipping his pants. To her amazement, she pulls
out a rather large penis. She then asks the guy to wait there
for just a second more. She runs back around the corner and asks
her husband "Can he borrow $70?"

There was this lady who was sexually frustrated and had tried to get her husband sexually stimulated but nothing seemed to work.

She tried sexy lingerie, toys, etc., etc., but had no luck.

So, one day she asked her friend what she should do, "It's really annoying me now! He's just not up for it. He's always out down the pub with the lads. What can I do?"

Her friend suggested, "Well, if he's always out with the lads why don't you give him an extra tenner so he enjoys himself even more and then he'll come home and thank you appropriately."

So the woman tried this and this is what happened on his return:

Man: Take Your clothes off!

Woman thinks: Whoa! This is working!

Man: Stand on your head!

Woman: Ooohh Kinky!!!

Man: Spread your legs apart!

Woman thinks: This has really worked, give it to me!

The man then gets a small mirror and places it in between her legs.

Woman thinks: This is a new one!

Man says: You know, the lads were right, I would look good with a beard!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend's birthday
and as they had only started dating, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the
right note: personal, but not too personal. Accompanied by the
girl friend's younger sister, he went to Herrod's and bought a
pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
herself. During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items
mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got
the panties. The guy sent the package to the girl friend with
the following note:

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of
wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister,
I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she
wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a
delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair
that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are
hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked
really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the
first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with
them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them
off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they
will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how
many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you
will wear them for me Friday night.

All my love.

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little
fur showing.