A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street."But, officer," the man began, "I can explain""Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.""But, officer, I just wanted to say""And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.""Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his
parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking
dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I
have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat
it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was
stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's
penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around,
whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain
about my cooking again!!"

I was in las Vegas, when a man walked up to me and "sir do you have a extra $20.00, my wife needs an operation that costs $1000.00. I have $980.00 and just need the last $20.00"

Well I thought about, when I ask the man, how will I know that you are going to walk into that casino and gamble it away.

Well the man replied "No sir... I have money for gambling."

At a resort club in France, a romantic Frenchman spots an American lady
tourist entering the dining section. He swiftly rushes to her assistance,
with his usual charm and his obviously attractive dialect, "Bonjour,
madamoiselle." "Bonjour!" She answers back, "Can you........?" and before
she could finish her sentence, the Frenchman interrupts to say, "Anysing,
yes I can, for you. Ma cherrie." He takes her hand, kisses her palm, licks
her fingers romantically and then continues saying, "Just as beautiful and
sweet as you are, your fingers are. What is this tasty lotion you use, ma
cherrie? And if I may ask, what is this you wanted to be assisted in?"

The lady (at that time very impressed) answered, "I've just been changing
my baby's diaper's, he has been suffering from serious diarrhea. So, I
just wanted to know where I could wash my hands."

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.

The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."

She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing.

"That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream."

"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked.

"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.

"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."

Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench."Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed.""Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?""Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces.""The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth.""Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?""Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co- worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Oh, yeah, sure," says Bob sheepishly.

"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed!"

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive." The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?" The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed. "Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing." The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. "How did it go?" the doctor asked. "Terribly, doctor, terribly." "Did it not work?" "Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years." "Then what is the problem, ma'am?" "Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."