Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are acting very macho and talking about the control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?" The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees." The first two men were dumbfounded. "Whoa! What happened next?", they asked, inching closer to hear what the third man had to say. The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and said, "Yep. I had her on her knees. Until she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

Dying Husband: Kethrine, please marry Peter after my death.
Wife: Why?
Husband: Because i want to take revenge from him.

For two years, this guy has wanted to ask a certain girl out on
a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the
summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask
her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday
night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and
drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such
bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without
either puking or shitting. After several hours of this, he is
able to stop puking, but he is still running to the toilet every
20 minutes to shit. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because
he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City
(about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he
excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They
enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he
has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get
dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but
doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds
it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has
a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas
fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course).
Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little
surprise. "Oh shit," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running
to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the
arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He
maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to
figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell,
or (b) start to show stains on the outside.

He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by
the way, he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train
station, they pass the Gap. "Do you mind if I run in and buy a
sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.

"No problem, I'd like to look around too, she replies. They go
into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the
right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero
grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the
khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his
current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes
are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make
sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants.

He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched
teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away)
"Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl. "Just the pants!"
(Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl replies, "Oh, OK." He
pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave
the store.

They board the train just before it leaves the station and find
two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our
hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of
the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and
quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into
a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself
off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally
decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was
she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone
and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer
to the marriage proposal.

"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone,
but I couldn't remember who it was."

One day this man went to Japan. He was with his buddy and his
buddies' girlfriend and he was getting alittle jealous cause he
didn't have a gurl to hang out with. So, he talked to his buddy
about it, and his buddy got him hooked up with a prostitute. She
couldn't speak english, but the gut was like "What the hell!, At
least i'm still getttin' sum!" So the next night he was in the
back of one of the bandwagons fucking her. She kept on screaming
"VIA NO PEEA! VIA NO PEEA!" Now, this guy new nothing about
Japenese, so he figured she was just having this MAJOR orgasm.
The next day, the guy was out playing gulf with his buddy. His
buddy swung the golf club, and hit the ball through a hole in
the tree. He was very frustrated, and started talking in
Japanese. "VIA NO PEEA!" Now, the man reconized that phrase, so
he asked his buddy what it meant. His buddy looked at him and
said "wrong hole".

A man walks into a drug store.

He walks up to the counter and asks for a box of condoms.

After paying, he takes the condoms and walks out the door.

A few blocks up the street the man walks into an ice cream shop.

He pulls out a condom and says to the waiter, "Could you fill this up with ice cream please?"

The waiter is rather surprised, but thinks that as long as the man pays, who cares what he gets the ice cream in.

So the waiter fills the condom with ice cream, and hands it back to the man.

His curiosity gets the better of him so he asks, "I'm curious to know why you want the ice cream in a condom, of all things!"

The man replies "Well, it's my wife’s birthday today and all week she has been dropping hints about getting a deep freeze, and anything my wife wants, she's going to get!"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

What's the definition of mixed emotions?

When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to impress her date. "Do you like to screw?" he asked.

"Huh?!" replied the surprised first date.

"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's good at it. You and her should go screw," explained the father.

Now very interested the boy replied, "Yes, sir!!!"

Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, it's the TWIST, get it right!"