A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "Thad's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride raised all kind of heck with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

One day, a man went to a pharmacy. He told the pharmacist, "I
want a three-pack of condoms. I'm going to my girlfriend's house
tonight to have dinner with her parents, and I think tonight may
be the night." He bought the condoms and left. When he arrived
at his girlfriend's house, her parents asked him to say grace.
He says an unusually long grace. His Girlfiren leans over and
says, "I didn't know you were so religious." He says, "I didn't
know your father was a pharmacist."

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.

One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.

When they were finished they fell asleep and didn't wake up till 8 o'clock.

They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.

Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he's pretty weird).

The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door.

Upset, she asks where he's been.

The man replies "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair.

Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep.
That's why I'm late."

The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!"

In the old country, it is a custom for women to enter virginal and sexually ignorant into marriages arranged by their parents.

In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.

When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the bride's insistence, stayed in a hotel near her family's home.

Early in the evening, the harried bride came rushing through the door.

"Mother, Mother!" cried the girl, "He says that we should sleep together!"

"It's alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he starts to worry about you."

"Oh." said the girl, and returned to her husband who had already begun to disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother.

"Mother, mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!"

"It's alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, don't let it bother you... Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you."

When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom.

"Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!"

"Stand back, girl!" says the mother, "This is a job for a real woman!"

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar.

Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.

"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?"

If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.

"John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good."

"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse.

Now you listen to this...." "I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by.

Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail.

After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters.

Then I got back to work."

"I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, if that upset me!

So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again."

"Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg.

I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece oh rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the stall."

Just then John paused to take a sip his beer.

Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did you finally get to milk her?"

"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from ya....!"

A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink. The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."

The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table."

The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid."

"That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?"

"No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters.

The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?!"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

I definitely think we're in trouble.
I just saw an ad for a new movie sequel called...
"The Never-Ending Story 2"