I woke early one morning,

The earth lay cool and still

When suddenly a tiny bird

Perched on my window sill,

He sang a song so lovely

So carefree and so gay,

That slowly all my troubles

Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places

Of laughter and of fun,

It seemed his very trilling,

brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers

Crept slowly out of bed,

Then gently shut the window

And crushed his fucking head.

I'm not a morning person.

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were doing
well in the class and thought that going into the final they had a solid "A".
They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the
University of Tennessee to party with some friends.
They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning,
the day of the exam.
Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final
to explain to him why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the
weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat
tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long
time, so they were late in getting back to campus.
The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day.
They were elated and relieved. At the final, the professor placed them in
separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
The first problem, worth 5 Points, was something simple about Molarity &
Solutions. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy."
The next problem was worth 95 Points. It asked: "Which tire?"

It's the first day of fifth grade, and the teacher is asking each student a question.
"What was the best part about your summer?" she asks one boy sitting in the front row.

"I went to visit my nanna," he replies.

"It's fifth grade now, so we'll expect you to use the adult word, 'grandma,' okay?" says the teacher. The boy nods.

Next the teacher asks a little girl sitting in the third row. "What is your favorite food?"

The girl replies, "I like peppermint gummy goodies."

"Now, now, remember that this is fifth grade," says the teacher. "Try to use the adult word, okay?" The girl nods.

The teacher then turns to little boy sitting in the corner of the room. "Do you like to read?" she asks.

"Yes, ma'am," he replies.

"Good! Do you have a favorite book? Remember, use the adult word!"

The boy thinks for a moment, then says, "Yes, Winnie-the-Shit."

There once was a girl named Sally Smith. Whenever she chewed gum she would say yes. And whenever she didn't chew gum she would say no. One day Sally heard a knock at the door. When she opened the door, chewing her gum, she discovered it was the postman. The postman greeted her cheerfully, "Hello there Sally, I have a package for you"Sally smiled.The postman said, "Sally would you like me to bring the package inside as it is rather heavy?"Sally said yes.The postman said, "Sally would you like me to put the package in your bedroom?"Sally said yes.Once they reached Sally's bedroom, the postman turned to sally and said "Sally, would you like me to take that gum out of your mouth and shove it up your arse?"Sally said yes.So the postman took the gum out of Sally's mouth and proceeded to shove it up her arse. The postman asked Sally, "Is that far enough yet?"Sally said no.The postman shoved the gum up further then asked again, "Sally, is that far enough yet?"Sally said no.The postman shoved the gum up further still then asked again, "Sally, is that far enough yet?"Sally said yes.

A survey was being taken on the University of Arizona campus.

The survey taker asked a soccer player, "What do you think of bilingualism?"

"Oh, I think it's okay," said the boy, "if it's between consenting adults."

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.173. Ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.69. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.

33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room