He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
(Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
(Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
(Unknown)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
(Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
(Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
(Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: - religion - royalty - sex - mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

12> Reading circle guffaws at every "See Dick go. Go Dick. Go. Go. Go."

11> "Tent-making" is a frequent show-and-tell theme.

10> "Nigel?"
"No."
"Simon?"
"No."
"Terry?"
"No."
"Come now, certainly *one* of you can demonstrate this equation on the chalkboard."

9> It seems like every other yearbook quote is from Rafael Palmeiro.

8> "You back there with your hand up... oh, my God!"

7> That poor climbing rope in the gym is seeing more action than Madonna.

6> Instead of one measly vice principal, your school now has an entire vice squad.

5> Peepholes between boys' and girls' locker rooms are now waist-high.

4> Other kids' shadow pictures during filmstrips: dogs and bunnies. His shadow pictures during filmstrips: rockets and bananas.

3> Uptick in wrestling team interest offset by huge increases in clean-up costs.

2> "I will leave more room between me and Billy in the lunch line.
I will leave more room between me and Billy in the lunch line.
I will leave more room between me and Billy in the lunch line."

1> The swim team members no longer have problems staying in their own lanes.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead

The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

The dog ate my car keys, So now I have to hitchhike to the vet.

Q: What did the cat say when he got off the ark?
A: Is that Aarat?

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION":
You'll be making under $6 an hour.
- - - - -
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY":
You're paid under $6 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
- - - - -
"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY":
There's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
- - - - -
"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN":
Once it's shared among the brass, you get what's left.
- - - - -
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
- - - - -
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"
We have no time to train you. (and/or)
Please introduce yourself to your co-workers.
- - - - -
"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:"
Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago.
- - - - -
"IMMEDIATE OPENING:"
The person who had this job gave notice a month ago.
We're just now running the ad.
- - - - -
"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:"
We're can't supply you with leads; (and/or)
there's no base salary to speak of; (and/or)
you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
- - - - -
"SELF-MOTIVATED:"
Don't expect Management to answer questions
- - - - -
"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:"
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $35 co-pay.

Jamie decided to try out for the Ohio State baseball team.

He arrived at the practice field carrying his glove and spikes.

The coach approached him and said, "Okay, Jamie. Name yer best playin'
position."

"Sorta stooped over like this," answered the country boy.

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power  = Work / Time

And since: Knowledge = Power And: Time  =  Money , It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money Solving this equation for Money, we get: Money  =  Work / Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.