Tiger Woods went on holiday to Mississippi, while he was on vacation he decided to go for a game of golf to get a little practice in.
As he arrived at the course he is stopped by the green keeper.
"Sorry" says the green keeper, "we don`t allow coloured people on this course" he says." In fact if you want a game theres a course just a 4 iron away for your sort" he says. " Don`t you know i`m tiger Woods?" says Tiger. " Oh i`m very sorry then sir, I didn`t recognise you, in that case it`s only a six iron for you then"

Who says athletes aren't as intelligent as rocket scientists?

1992 Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

1987 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

1982 Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

1996 Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

1981 Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."

1976 Alex Hawkins, recalling his playing days against Dick Butkus: "Whenever they gave him the game ball, he ate it."

1966 Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries this season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"

1981 Mike McCormack , coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."

1966 Red Auerbach, the Boston Celtics' general manager, asked if he had any criticism of Bill Russell's coaching: "He has the players too happy."

1971 Mike Lucci, Detroit Lion linebacker, on his three key interceptions against the Chicago Bears: "Yeah, they gave me the game ball. If they hadn't given it to me, I would have taken it anyway."

1991 Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

1986 Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."

1991 Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."

1976 Greg Buttle, New York Jet linebacker, explaining his contractual obligations: "They pay me to practice. Sundays I play for free."

1996 Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."

1991 Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that mean's we're not going to any more bowl games.'"

1986 LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: "They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."

1981 Dorothy Shula, on the career dedication of her husband, the Miami Dolphins' coach: "I'm fairly confident that if I died tomorrow, Don would find a way to preserve me until the season was over and he had time for a nice funeral."

1976 Mike Newlin, Houston Rocket guard, after a game his team lost to the New York Nets: "We were the quintessence of athletic atrocity."

1971 Tom Workman, former NBA-ABA basketball player: "They tell you to join the NBA and see all the big cities: New York with all the lights, San Francisco with its night life, San Diego's sunshine. They also say join the ABA and see the U.S.A. Unfortunately, I found this included Steubenville, Ohio; Amarillo, Texas; Elko, Nevada; Cedar City, Utah; and Biloxi, Mississippi."

1966 Jim Camp, George Washington football coach, on why he doesn't use a lonely end: "We train by a parkway, which runs beside a river. If we had a lonely end, he either would be hit by a car or drown."

1976 Hugh Campbell, football coach at Whitworth College in Spokane, Wash., after his team had defeated Whitman 70-30: "It wasn't as easy as you think. It's hard to stay awake that long."

1991 Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

1986 Jeff Kemp, 49ers quarterback, when asked about his rapport with wide receiver Jerry Rice: "Rapport? You mean like, 'You run as fast as you can, and I'll throw it as far as I can?'"

1966 Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked, during a question-and-answer session with a group of fans, how he pronounced his name: "Tom."

1991 Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

1976 Abe Lemons, University of Texas basketball coach, when asked if he felt his team should be ranked in the Top Twenty this season: "You mean in the state?"

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Colorado.One of the women in
the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He
told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of
the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was
wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she
was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one
would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate
camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do
her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is
a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got
it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control,
racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope.
Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her
knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista
for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back
under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was
that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her
husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the
mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken
leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So. How did you break your leg?" she
asked, making small talk.

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski
lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing
backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of
her clothes, and pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look
and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift ... "

" ... So, how did you break your arm?"

After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove
the wheels of cars in under 4 seconds with no specialist
equipment, the McLaren team decided to fire their pit crew and
hire four of the youths as most races can be won or lost in the
pit lane.

The first race came along and the car came into the pits. The
youths went to work but the McLaren team boss noticed a real
problem.

No only had the youths replaced all four wheels within four
seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd re-sprayed and
re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!

A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.

Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system -
"Will the gentleman on the lady's tee please move back to the men's tee".
He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again.

The Voice again - "Will the Man on the Red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the White Tees?!"

He looked back at the starters shack and yelled,
"Will the IDIOT on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the lady's tee can hit his second shot"!

What do the Pope and the Rams both appearing in the St. Louis Trans World Dome have in common?

They both feature 3 million people saying 'Jesus Christ!'

Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Oakland Raiders team for '98.
The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a quarterback that
would ensure a SuperBowl win.

Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background,
out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly
incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200
yards away! He threw another grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good
110 yards away! A car passes going 80 miles (120 km) an hour, and he send
another grenade right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy,"
Al says to himself, "He has the perfect arm!"

So he brings him to the States and teaches him the game of football.
Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and
the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXIII, and when
Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."

"I don't want to talk to you, " the old woman says, "You deserted us. You're
not my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother." the young man pleads, "I just won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring
fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment,
there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week
your sister was attacked in broad daylight..."

The old lady pauses, then says through her tears, "I'll never forgive you for
moving us to Oakland!"

A Hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."