A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS" the man asks."It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor."Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do?""We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.""Is that going to help me" says the man."No" says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"

The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night.
She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looks up at her and replies, "Yes dear, I do, you wore that same negligee the night we were married."

"That's right." she replied, "And do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?"

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!"

She giggles and says, "Yes, That was it. That was exactly what you said. And now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again, he looks up at her and looks her up and down and says, "Mission Accomplished."

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and shirt front is wet. Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and beer unusually pale and clear. Fault : Glass is empty. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom : Feet cold and wet. Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom : Feet warm and wet. Fault : Loss of self-control. Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. Symptom : Lap cool and wet. Fault : Drooling on yourself. Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else. Symptom : Bar blurred. Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom :Bar moving. Fault : You are being carried out. Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked. Symptom: Bar looks like a circus. Fault : You're at a circus. Solution : Go to a bar. Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. Fault : You have fallen over backwards. Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar. Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and cigarette butts. Fault : You have fallen over forwards. Solution : Same as for falling over backwards. Symptom : Everything has gone dim. Fault : The pub is closing. Solution : PANIC!!

Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend 3 hours in the voting booth?
A: He thought he was in a confessional.

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer."Just place this between your cheek and gum."The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech."And what if I swallow it?""No problem," says the barber."Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.

Due to increasing product liability litigation, wine manufacturers have
accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels
be placed immediately on all wine bottles:

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a moron.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story
over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to they sings like this.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at 4 am in the morning!

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your trousers.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without Spitting.

8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung
Fu powers.

9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning
and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead.

11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Frank.

12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.

13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing with you.

14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to
literally disappear.

Twinkle, Twinkle, little star how I wonder what you are
Shine upon the parking lot
As I eat my girlfrieds twat

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater
Saw a chick but couldn't meat her
Saw her brother one fine day
Sucked his cock and now he's gay

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
So he ignored her flabby tits
And licked her asshole clean.

Eenie Meenie Miney Mo
Suck my dick and swallow slow.

Mary Mary quite contrary
Shave that pussy its so damn hairy

Hickory Dickory Dock
Some chick was sucking my cock
The clock struck two I blew my goo
And dumped the bitch off at the next bock.

Hickory Dickory Dock
Some chick was sucking my cock
It was quite scary
All wrinkled and hairy
It smelled like a ten year old sock.