A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a
shilling. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney?", said the Justice, "Here's a
guinea, go and bury 20 of them."

Llega un pollito a una cantina y le pregunta al barman:

"¿Señor, tiene uvas?"

"No, no tengo."

Se va tristemente el pollito y en 5 minutos regresa y vuelve a preguntar:

"¿Señor, tiene uvas?"

El hombre, un poco molesto, le responde:

"No pollo, ya te dije que no."

Nuevamente se va el pollo aún más triste, y en 5 minutos regresa y vuelve a preguntar:

"¿Señor, tiene uvas?"

El barman ya enfurecido le dice al pollo:

"¡Mira, pollo, si me vuelves a preguntar eso te clavo las patas a la barra!"

El pollo casi llorando se va, pero en 10 minutos está de regreso y esta vez le pregunta:

"¿Señor, tiene clavos?"

Asombrado el barman responde: "¡No!"

A lo que el pollo responde:

"En ese caso, ¿Tiene uvas?"

A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her.

The wive says, "I don't want to go hunting because its cold out, and I've never been butt fucked before, so I think I'll go with the blowjob."

So she's down there doing her thing and suddenly she says, "your dick tastes like shit!"

The guy says, "yeah, the dog didn't want to go hunting either."

1. Nitroglycerin suppository

2. Dr. Kivorkian approved suicide/euthanasia kit

3. Paper cuts from hate mail

4. Wine press

5. Random act of terrorism

6. Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride)

7. Clubbed by a baby seal hunter

8. Exploding gas barbeque

9. Date with Lorena Bobbit / Tonya Harding

10. Rusty meat hook

11. Pulp digester / Saw mill

12. Sexually transmitted disease

13. Lethal injection of bean sprouts and tofu

14. Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open).

15. Barney meets the Terminator. "Hasta la vista...BARNEY!".

16. Exploding school bus

17. Field trip to the Toronto Metro Zoo. Barney loves to spread love to all of the carnivores.

18. Children's Tylenol laced with cyanide

19. Sacrifice to a tribal god

20. Fed through a branch/leaf shredder (or office paper shredder)

21. Trampling by thousands of tiny spongie feet

22. Asphyxiation on a Twinkie

23. Bungee jumping with chord tied around neck

24. 1000 RPM merry-go-round

25. Building sandcastles in a quicksand box

26. Dragged behind a school bus on a gravel road

27. Tail caught in elevator doors

28. Legalization of purple slavery

29. Home lobotomy kit

30. Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid

31. Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal.

32. Thrown in a vat of bleach.

33. Close encounter with a white supremist.

34. Sucked into a turbo-prop engine

35. Submerged into a CANDU reactor

36. Swarmed by killer bees

37. Purple parasites

38. Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel

39. Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney chow)

40. Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler.

41. Assilimation by the Borg.

42. Accupunture with a nail gun

43. Force fed pure sugar and caffeine until he explodes.

43. Barney meets Mr. Chainsaw

44. Hit and run at a school crossing

45. Exploding in an industrial sized microwave oven.

46. Strapped to a shuttle launch pad..3, 2, 1, ignition!

47. Strapped to the heat shields of a space shuttle during reentry.

48. Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens

49. Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife.

50. Harpooned by a whaling ship

51. Dipped in liquid nitrogen, and "accidentally" pummeled with a baseball bat

52. Served as Thanksgiving dinner

53. Eaten by the homeless (Barney pate anyone?)

54. OOPS! Barney shouldn't have soldered that propane tank while full.

55. Mistaken for a Pi=F1ata

56. Run over by a zamboni

57. "I love you" song triggers avalanche.

58. "Accidentally" shoved in front of a subway train.

59. Nuclear warhead explodes at ground BARNEY.

60. Scientific experiments on BARNEY sublimation temperature.

61. Crushed between plates in a fault line.

62. Blended into McBarney shakes, and pressed into McBarney patties

63. Inquiring minds want to know...What is the tensile strength of Barney?

64. Used as a crash test dummy.

65. Barney becomes one with Oscar Myer.

66. Barney used as shark bait.

67. Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study.

68. Used in a TV commercial promotion of Ginsu Knives. Even after cutting this tin can, the ginsu knives rip through purple flesh with ease.

69. Diplomatic mission with Klingons

70. Deep sea diving in a locked steamer trunk.

71. Nato air strike.

72. Live organ donor.

73. Egyptian mummification ritual.

74. Plummet into an active volcano.

75. Coated in honey and fed to the fire ants.

76. Conversion to sugar glazed junk food.

77. Quiet dinner with Jeffrey Dahmer.

78. Pilgrimage to the Holy land.

79. Purple Jonestown reagent.

80. Visit to the taxidermist.

81. Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter.

82. Take him off Prozac.

83. Forced to watch "The Wall" video without his happy pills.

84. 100 hours of continuous "Black Sabbath".

85. Give him a lead role in a snuff film.

86. Tar and feathered by crazed parents.

87. Spontaneous combustion.

88. Bludgeoned to purple paste.

89. Compressed to a singularity.

90. Bent, folded and mutilated by Canada Post.

91. Send him to a Bill's game dressed as a Miami Dolphin.

92. The plague

93. Extruded through microcapilliaries.

94. Forced to spend a week with Bart Simpson.

95. Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron. Too bad about the sudden stop.

97. Pre-mortum autopsy reveals that Barney's head is full of worms.

98. Massage with a stun gun.

99. Heat pasteurization.

100. Barney stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie.

101. Abandoned in a sensory deprivation tank.

102. Barney meets Elmira (I'm gonna hug him and squeeze him to itty bitty pieces.)

103. Put Barney in an old Star Trek episode, in a RED SHIRT.

104. Put Barney in a Star Trek Next Generation episode, in a gold shirt.

105. Make him the drummer of Spinal Tap.

106. Use him as a zap-o-matic target.

107. Paint him green & give him to Gallager for his Sledge-o-matic.

108. Paint him green & give him to David Letterman for a 10 story drop.

109. Confine him with Marvin the Paranoid Android (Douglas Adams).

110. Put a horse collar on him and abandon him on alt.sex.beastiality.

111. Stick him in a car with Ted Kennedy near a bridge.

112. Paint "Branch Dividian & Proud of it" and drop him off at the BATF hq.

113. Put him on a blind date with Lorena Bobbit AFTER she gets her new set of Ginsu(tm) knives.

114. Barney scrapple.

115. Bury him next to Jimmy Hoffa.

116. Tell Tipper Gore he sings on how to masturbate.

117. Recreate the Challenger accident with Barney playing substitute teacher.

118. Use Barney as a test subject for exotic new nerve gases.

If I wanted any lip from you, I would jiggle my zipper!

TOP TEN SIGNS NO ONE WANTS TO BE YOUR VALENTINE

10. You ain't a Gingrich, but your nickname's "Newt"
9. The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower Administration
8. You spend your vacation chasin' lizards
7. You get a heart-filled box filled with angry hornets
6. The babes just don't seem to go for your homemade Star Trek uniform
5. You have one of them handsome Ito beards -- and you're a woman
4. Fox is starting a new show about you: "America's Least Wanted"
3. You're taking private tutorials with Joycelyn Elders
2. Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you
1. The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy

A brunette, a red head, and a blonde robbed a wawa. They escaped to a
forest. The brunette went up the first tree, the red head the second tree,
and the blonde climed the third. A little while later the cops showed up.
The cop went up to the trunk of the first tree and said, "I think there's
some one up there." So the brunette made an owl noise. The cop moved to
the second tree and said, "I think there's someone up there." So the red
head made a squirrel noise and the cop said, "No its just a squirrel." He
then moved to the third tree and the blonde said, "Moo...."

How do you babysit a black kid?

Wet his lips and stick them to the wall

How do you get them down?

Invite a couple of Mexican kids over and tell them its a pinata party.