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Море развлечений » Английский юмор
Different thoughts
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  Gender | 28 сентябрь, 2013

A girl and boy had been having a relationship for about four months and one Friday night after work they meet in a bar. They stay for a few drinks and then go on to get some food at a restaurant near their respective houses. They eat then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:
Well, Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been me because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something, so I ask him and he says no, but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the hell that means, because you know he doesn't say it back or anything, so when we get back to his place I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and, I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks any more, I mean, do you think he's met someone else?

His story:
Shit day at work. Great shag later.

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  Bar drinking | 28 сентябрь, 2013


If peanut butter cookies are
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  One liners | 28 сентябрь, 2013

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl
Scout cookies made out of?

Better to BE
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  Other | 28 сентябрь, 2013

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

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  Medical | 28 сентябрь, 2013

When the surgeon came to see his young patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it." replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one to ever ask that after a tonsillectomy."

Boat ride with the man who couldnt swim
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  Dirty jokes | 28 сентябрь, 2013

There was this man with a really bad studder and he was very ugly. He was rich though. He and his friend were at the beach one day and he said man I really want some sex. How do I get some. His friend told him to buy a boat chicks dig boats.
Well a couple of weeks later the two friends ran into each other. His friend asked him how did the boat thing work out. The friend replied " Well it went good I was getting chicks left and right until I met this one girl. I asked her if she wanted to go out on my boat and of course she did cause chicks dig boats. Well I did what I do with all the other girls I took her way out in the ocean away from everything. I told her put out or swim. Well she pulled down her bathing suit and it was the most god-awful smell the fish were dying in the ocean from it. I told her no nevermind. Well she told me eat or swim."

The friend looked shocked he asked "well what did you do?"

The other guy replied "well you didnt hear about no mother fu**er drowning did you!"

Scotsman And a Jewish
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  Other | 28 сентябрь, 2013

A Scotsman and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the
finest restaurants in New York. At the end of the evening the waiter came over
to present the check and a Scottish voice said " That's all right laddie just
gae the check to me ". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed
“Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death ".

Bring her back
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  Professionals | 28 сентябрь, 2013

One day, a man who had just turned 50 retired from his job. It was his birthday, and he was waiting for his surprise party from his wife when he got home. As he walked into his house, ther was no one there. He looked around and found a not laying on the counter. It read, "I've left you for George, we're through." The man was dumbfounded, and extremely pissed. "Who does she think she is? Leaving me for my best friend on my birthday?" He got mad and tore up the house. On his way out, he ripped up the neighbors yard as well. He got in his car and sped down the road, going 80. He stopped at a car dealership and looked around. "What the hell," he thought, "I'll get the speed demon I've always wanted." So he traded in his car and some extra cash for a speed demon. He was flying down the road, going 130 when he saw blue lights flashing. "I don't care anymore, screw him." So he ran from the cops. After a grueling chase, he was stopped. "Why the HELL were you speeding sir?" The man smiled and replied, "Well, today is my birthday, and my wife left me. I got home, but she wasn't there, because she left me. So I went for a ride by myself. Did I mention my wife left me? Then I got this hot rod, because I didn't have my nagging wife to tell me no. Then, I decided to speed because my wife wasn't here to tell me to slow down. I did mention my wife left me, didn't I officer?" The officer nodded in impatience and replied, "Yes, you've said that many times. But why the hell didn't you pull over when you saw the lights?" The man smiled and replied, "Well, when my wife left me, she left me for my best friend George. George is a cop, and I thought you were George, and I thought you were bringing her back."