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Море развлечений » Английский юмор
Child of a Porn Star
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  Other | 28 сентябрь, 2013

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked
by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at
the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no
boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm
unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you
before you see her that the baby is black" "Well," replies the
girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to
live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was
black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of
my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward
questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde
hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I
desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also
involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my
business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted
eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up
and there was also a Chinese man in the movie."

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and
presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby
a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother
exclaims, "Thank God for that!" "What do you mean?" says the
midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I
had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."

Wife Comparisons
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  Relationships | 28 сентябрь, 2013

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Are you in tune?
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  Relationships | 28 сентябрь, 2013

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to
hold me." The husband says "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as
a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might
as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a
big dept. store.

He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then
tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets
matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and
gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her
husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis
bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you
like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she
cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go
to the cash register."

The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
stuff."

The wife's face goes blank.

"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the husband
says,

"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!!!!

A Blond and an Ocean
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  Blondes | 28 сентябрь, 2013

There are 3 people, a blond, a red head, and brunett. They are
all stranded on an island and want to reach the other side.
First the red head goes into the ocean, swims half way gets
tired and drowned. Then the brunett swims half way ,gets tired
and drowned. Finally the blond swim half way, gets tired and
swims back!


Not a TV its a microwave
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  Blondes | 28 сентябрь, 2013

One day a blonde walked into a store and said
"I`d like to buy that TV."
The salesman said "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
The blonde went home and dyed her hair red. She went back to
the store and said "I’d like to buy that TV."
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes." The man replied again.
She went and dyed her hair black, then returned to the store
and said "I’d like to buy that TV."
Again the man said "Sorry we don't sell to blondes."
The blonde finally asks "How did you know I was a blonde?"
The man said "Because that’s not a TV its a microwave."

I'm hurt
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  Other | 28 сентябрь, 2013

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.
They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation.

He grabs her, yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen.

There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend visits her the next day and asks "Are you hurt?"

She replies. "Of course I'm hurt, he hasn't called, or even written!"

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Little Broom
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  Puns & Word play | 28 сентябрь, 2013

One day, two brooms were getting married. The bride-broom told
the groom-broom that she was expecting a little whisk broom.
"But how?" Said the groom-broom, "We've never even swept
together!"

El duque de Windsor es
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  Other | 28 сентябрь, 2013

El duque de Windsor es invitado a tomar té al palacio de la condesa de York. Al llegar, Perkins, el mayordomo, le abre la puerta y le ayuda a quitarse el abrigo y lo lleva a guardar.

"Buenas tardes, condesa. Es un verdadero placer verla. Cada día usted más hermosa".

"Buenas tardes, duque. Usted siempre tan caballero. Es para mí un honor que haya aceptado mi invitación".

"Por favor, no podría ser de otra manera, el honor es mío".

Cuando estaban tomando el té, junto a unas amigas, la condesa propone jugar a las adivinanzas. Todos están de acuerdo y comienzan las mujeres, teniendo que adivinar el duque.

"Bueno, ¿sobre qué le preguntamos?, pregunta la dueña del castillo.

"Ya sé, sobre la yegua negra de la condesa", dice una amiga.

"A ver, duque, adivine: es negra y suave, pero cuando se le toca mucho se para y se vuelve brava y salvaje".

"¡Una pinga!", responde rápidamente el noble.

"¡Oh, es usted un mal educado! ¡Cómo se le ocurre!", se ofenden las amigas.

"¡Perkins, por favor, traiga el abrigo del duque porque se retira!", grita la aristócrata mujer indignada.

"¡Oh, no, discúlpeme! No sé qué me pasó. ¡Por favor, damas, denme otra oportunidad!", suplica el caballero agarrándose la cabeza.

"Bueno, por esta vez lo disculparemos, pero que no se repita".

Las mujeres vuelven a debatir y deciden preguntar por una 'collette' para el pelo.

"Duque, aquí va la nueva adivinanza: es redonda, entra hasta llegar al tope y les encanta a las mujeres. ¿Qué es?"

"¡Una pinga!"

"¡Oh, esto es terrible, no lo podemos creer! ¡Es inadmisible, imperdonable! ¡Perkins, traiga el abrigo del duque que se retira!", grita nuevamente la condesa.

"¡No, por favor, disculpen mi mala educación!. Seguramente se debe al largo viaje. Nunca antes me pasó algo así. Pido disculpas a las damas presentes y juro no se volverá a repetir".

"¡Será la última vez que soportemos una grosería semejante!", responde la condesa muy seria.

Nuevamente se reúnen para decidir cuál será la palabra que deberá adivinar el duque y eligen 'una galleta en una taza de leche'.

"Duque, ésta es su última oportunidad: entra dura y desafiante; sale blanda y chorreando leche. ¿Qué es?

"¡Perkins, tráigame el abrigo, eso si es una pinga, aquí y donde sea!", responde el duque".



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