An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister.""Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks "This guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out.

He promptly hollers at the bartender: "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.

The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says: "Shay mister, taste this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.

"It tastes like piss," he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: "It is. How old am I?"

This guy was walking to the bar and outside there was a sign saying, “Pay a
dollar, make the donkey laugh and get a free Beer.”

The guy does this and gets his free beer.

The next night the guy sees a different sign.

It reads, pay a dollar make the donkey cry, and get a free beer. He does this
and gets his free beer.

The barman then asks, " How did you do it?"

The guy answers, " To make the donkey laugh I told him my dick was bigger then
his and to make him cry I showed him"

The following is an actual excerpt from Forbes magazine:A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.

A man walked into a bar........

..ouch!!!

Once upon a time a humble crab fell in love with Princess Lobster and she with him. They enjoyed an idyllic relationship, but one day Princess Lobster came to Crab in floods of tears saying that King Lobster would not let her see Crab any more.

'But why?' gasped the humble crab.

'Daddy says that crabs are too common,' sobbed the princess. 'You're a lower class of crustacean, and anyway, you walk sideways.'

Crab was shattered and scuttled away to drink himself into forgetfulness.
That night was the occasion of the great Lobster Ball and lobsters came from far and near for feasting and merrymaking. Princess Lobster, however, sat by her father's side inconsolable.

Suddenly, the doors flew open. It was the humble crab. Slowly, painstakingly, he made his way to the throne - walking dead straight, one claw after another. A silence gathered around the room. All the lobsters' eyes fell on the intruder.

Step by painful straight step he approached until he looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally Crab spoke up:

'F***, I'm pissed!'

WHY DO FARTS SMELL ?
FOR THE BENIFIT OF THE DEAF