Ellen Degeneres virus Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC Sharon Stone virus Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there. Monica Lewinsky virus Sucks all the memory out of your computer Titanic virus Makes your whole computer go down Disney virus Everything in the computer goes Goofy Mike Tyson virus Quits after one byte Prozac virus Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care Lorena Bobbit virus Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy Tim Allen virus Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact Woody Allen virus Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card Saddam Hussein virus Won't let you into any of your programs Tonya Harding virus Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons Spice Girl virus Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop AT&T virus Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting Martha Stewart virus Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop Ronald Reagan virus Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored Sony Bono virus Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of no where Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them George Michaels virus Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup Oprah Winfrey virus Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB Joey Buttafuoco virus Only attacks minor files MCI virus Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus Arnold Schwarzenegger virus Terminates and stays resident - It'll be back! X-files virus All your Icons start shape shifting

Top10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis:

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."

6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason "Why e-mail is like a penis."

1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!

Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.

1. Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

2. Lorena Bobbit Virus
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

3. Tonya Harding Virus
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

4. Paul Revere Virus
Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\

5. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

6. Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus
Only attacks minor files.

8. Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.

9. Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive's FAT.

10. Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

11. AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

12. MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

13. Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

14. Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

16. Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

18. Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

19. Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

20. Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

21. Airline Virus
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

22. PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again.

24. LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

25. O.J. Virus
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!!!!!

IBM: Inferior But Marketable?

Right after the wedding, in bed, in a fancy hotel, Mr. and Mrs. Bill Gates
decided to name the new company together.

Mrs. Gates: How about we name it after your penis?

BILL: Why the hell would we do that?

Mrs. Gates: Oh, I don't know. I always did like the name Microsoft.

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change the lightbulb??
A: None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard.

1. Before deciding you're falling in love, with a man you meet on AOL, and you tell him your bra size and other measurements, be sure he's not your long lost cousin, who used to live in the Ozarks and boil his own soap, but now has a corner office and works for IBM.

2. When receiving IM's, from strange men, late at night, you should always check for a profile before you chat with them. The only place people like Ted Bundy will have a profile, is the FBI serial killer database. So, if he doesn't have a profile, beware!

3. Don't read or answer any e-mail, that sends you a link to any web site with a name like "www.vibrator4u.com."

4. Make up witty answers to the proverbial, "So, what do you do for a living?" that come out of the blue from a man in chat. If you don't care to respond to this question honestly, good responses are, "I seal envelopes at home; I'm up to 15 a day now!" or "I run a coven of witches, out of a small cave, near the Delaware coast" or "I'm the person who walks behind elephants at the circus." It just makes chat so much more fun!

5. Watch out for .wav files with names like "bendover.wav" and "lemmedoU.wav" from men you don't know!

6. When instant messaging an old boyfriend, who broke your heart, but whom you found in the member directory, it's best to NOT start the IM off with, "you fu**ing a**hole, rats love cheese, I'll bet you're having Brie right now!"

7. Have a picture of "Mimi" from Drew Carey available in your collection of .GIFs. Send this to the cyber freaks, who won't leave you alone and tell them it's you.

8. Respond to everything a "jerk" says with, "...not listening, day dreaming about homicide." Keep listing this as a response. It will drive them nuts.

9. If you REALLY meet a nice guy on AOL, call a private detective. Chances are, it's a 'cover" in the Witness Protection Program.

10. And finally, install a second phone line and keep it free. Forget about other people needing to call you...you really need it for the day you might want to order a pizza without having to sign off.

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels. My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I'm toned and perfect. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner - it smells a little funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidently rip a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back and undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your spit off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a 'plop'

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out, nibbling on your ... umm ... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed, aching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark. I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off you glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom. It's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know ... thing ... in your ... you know ... woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet, nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!