IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the disk.

10. The world does revolve around us ... we pick the coordinate system

9. You can discover what those other buttons on your calculator do

8. We know how to handle "stress" and "strain" in relationships

7. Your parents will approve

6. You can get help with your math homework

5. We can calculate head pressure, so we know when you're going to explode

4. It looks good on a resume

3. We do free body diagrams

2. We have a high starting salary

1. You can enjoy a lifetime supply of "Dilbert" calendars!

C:\run
C:\run\dos
C:\run\dos\run

INTER OFFICE MEMORANDUM
SUBJECT: Solution to Y2K Problem

Factory Networks is pleased to announce the successful completion of a pilot program that was developed to establish a low-cost solution to the Year 2000 issue. In accordance with the wishes of the our manager, at meeting last week, we have been asked to implement this plan on a group-wide basis ASAP. Our new goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. Reduction in technical problems
3. Major reduction in software costs.
4. Smaller learning curve for our managers.

As part of our continuing effort to be proactive in our customer relations, we are including the most frequently asked questions from our test group from the pilot phase. We believe that these questions cover approximately 99% of the issued involved with the new 'systems' - though we recognize it is certainly not foolproof since we all know how ingenious fools are. Should you have questions or concerns with this plan, please contact a member of the system administration team and take it up with them.

:Why the Internet Is Like a VaginaIf you play with it too much you can go blind.You wouldn't believe the things people put in there! Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't interface.In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.The more people use it the bigger it gets.It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish.The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system.If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself 'why on earth did I do that?'Some folks have it, some don't.Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it spend all their time trying to access it.Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers.Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.

If IBM ran Christmas...They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.