A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips over and lands spread-legged on the bathroom floor.

She tries to stand up again but realizes that she landed so hard that her vagina has stuck to the floor creating such a vacuum that she can't move.

She calls out to her husband for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her up but she won't budge.

So he goes next door and gets the neighbor. Both of them are pulling like oxen but she just won't move. She is truly stuck to the floor.

Suddenly the neighbor says, "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the tiles around her legs and lift her that way?"

"Great idea," says the husband, "But let me rub her boobs a little to arouse her."

"Why?" asks a confused neighbor.

"She'll need the lubrication so I can slide her over into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there."

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

On day two budies had no place to stay in. They saw a farm and decided to stay there.They knocked on the door and a elderly scottish man answered.The two budies asked
can they stay over one night.The old scottish man repieid \"Yes,but you cant touch me daughter\".So they stayed, and ingnoring the old dudes request they had sex with his 18 year old daughter.The old guy found out and the next day he told the guys to go out and bring back their favorite fruit.They did so.One came back with ten grapes.The scottish man said\"I found out you and your friend did touch me daughter,now you will pay!\"The old guy got the ten grapes and stuck them up the guys ass.The poor guy was screaming.But then he started laughing.The old guy said \"Why are you laughing!I just pushed ten grapes up you ass!\" The guy said\"Its that my freind is out there getting a watermellon\".

Mom:

Didn't I tell you if any guy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"?

Daughter:

But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop"

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis

one day a girl is in the barth with her dad and says daddy wots that between your legs her dad says thats my car to park in garages the next week she is in the bath with her mam and says mammy wots that between your legs her mam says thats my garrage and cars park in it the next week shes in the bath with a boy and all the parents hear is ooowwwwwwwwswww!!!!!!!!!the parents go in and say wots wrong the little girl says his car would not fit so i pulled its wheels off

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise?"

The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.Immediately, he apologized for his bad language."That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

This joke is bad taste, you have been warned.

Three vampires walk into a bar on a cold winter night.

They all three sit at the bar and the bartender asks the first vampire

"What can I getcha?" The 1st vampire says "I'll have a beer, please"

So, the bartender gets him a beer.

The bartender asks the 2nd vampire "What would you like?"

The vampire replies "A beer please." So, the bartender gets him a beer.

The bartender then asks the 3rd and last vampire "Sir, what can I get you?" and the 3rd vampire replies "A cup of hot water please."

The bartender obliges and asks the vampire, "What are you gonna do with that hot water?"

The third vampire pulls out a used tampon and dips it into his hot water and says "Hot tea, it's chilly out!"

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."