Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered".

"I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered".

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded".

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless,spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable."

One day poor old Lena decided she didn't want to be in this world any longer. She resolved to commit suicide. She figured the best way was to shoot herself in the heart...but she didn't know just where her heart was. She called a doctor for the information.The doctor said that usually on a women, the heart is located about four inches below the left nipple.Lena followed the directions perfectly and was therefore very surprised to regain consciousness in a hospital."I should be dead!" she wailed."Don't worry, lady," the orderly answered, "your knee will mend before you know it!"

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he
passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a
lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer
gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to
question that woman's punishment?"

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one
guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer." So
the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told
her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the
morning.
She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"
He said, "Why yes I am!", so they went to his place and when they were in bed,
screwing, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered,"Well, I've only been a lawyer
for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00."

Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't...

Have you looked through her briefs?
He is one hard judge!
Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
Is it a penal offense?
Better leave the handcuffs on.
For $200 an hour, she better be good!
Can you get him to drop his suit?
The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
Think you can get me off?

Attorney: Your honor, may we approach the bench?
Judge: What's the purpose? We have no jury.
Attorney: Oh, I'm sorry, I--that's my favorite line, sir.