What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A Dry Martinez!

There's gotta be a better way to spend December. Let's face it: once you're
old enough to fall off of Santa's "List", Christmas loses some of its magic.
Actually, it loses all its magic and turns into a super-commercialized orgy of
over-eating, binge drinking, and familial Hell. But there isn't any "bah,
humbug" here... no siree! We just think the venerable holiday could use some
fresh changes, nothing big... just a couple of twists here and there. Like a new
cover of "White Christmas" sung by Robert Downey Jr. perhaps, or maybe a Ninja
Santa, or instead of giving presents, give advice. That way everyone gives and
gets. So we kindly suggest that you enact some of these new traditions in your
celebration of this holiday season. * Decorate your fireplace, tree, and house
with long fatty strips of Christmas Bacon. * Fill a pair of galoshes with
cottage cheese and leave them by the door Christmas Eve. Check back in the
morning to look for Santa's little curds-slathered footprints. * Get rid of your
Christmas Tree and invest in the new Yuletide rage... The Chia Christ! *
Decorate your nipples with frosting, sprinkles, and tinsel. * Attend Midnight
Mass and hoot "boo-yah" every time the priest mentions "the savior". * Carve
stars in pumpkins, and hide painted eggs in your yard while dressed up like
Abraham Lincoln. When your neighbors ask you what you're doing, respond, "I was
going to ask you freaks the same thing." * Dress up like an elf, go to a
playground, and collect lunch money from kids to "pay for Santa's chemotherapy".
Buy a Christmas six pack with the proceeds. * Find out exactly how many cups of
spiked eggnog it takes to get sugarplums to dance in your head. * Eat Christmas
dinner at a soup kitchen in a suit and tie and complain loudly that the service
is lousy, the creamed corn is lumpy, and someone smells like "ripe ass". *
Casually hang out at a mall dressed like Santa. When hurried parents ask you if
you're the on-duty Santa, smile and say "No. I'm John Wayne Gacy". * Get the
crap beaten out of you for showing the "Christmas Spirit" by hugging strangers
on the street. * Boil goat heads and festoon the outside of your house with
them. Suggest to neighbors that they do the same because the skulls "spook
flying reindeer". * Tell your parents you're bringing home someone special, and
then arrive with a life-sized Gingerbread Man. If you're a man, tell your folks
you're "gay for gingerbread". If you're a woman, tell them you have something
else "cooking in the oven". * Make sure all your toy-sized nativity scenes come
with spring-loaded attack sheep, kung-fu grip wise men, and shepherds that
transform into robotic tarantulas. * Christmas Morning Happy Hour at Hooters,
6am 'til Noon.

Este es un divertido ejercicio de lectura; es un texto difícil de leer en forma continua. Inténtalo leer en voz alta, seguido, sin parar; rápido, pero sin correr.

Este gato está vivo.
Este gato es vivo.
Este gato la ve fácil.
Este gato forma círculos.
Este gato de mi casa.
Este gato tener fiebre.
Este gato a la hora.
Este gato un rato.
Este gato pendejo; pendejo gato.
Este gato entretenido él sólo.
Este gato por gato.
Este gato cuarenta veces.
Este gato segundos después.

Ahora lee solamente la tercera palabra de cada línea.

Llega un pollito a una cantina y le pregunta al barman:

"¿Señor, tiene uvas?"

"No, no tengo."

Se va tristemente el pollito y en 5 minutos regresa y vuelve a preguntar:

"¿Señor, tiene uvas?"

El hombre, un poco molesto, le responde:

"No pollo, ya te dije que no."

Nuevamente se va el pollo aún más triste, y en 5 minutos regresa y vuelve a preguntar:

"¿Señor, tiene uvas?"

El barman ya enfurecido le dice al pollo:

"¡Mira, pollo, si me vuelves a preguntar eso te clavo las patas a la barra!"

El pollo casi llorando se va, pero en 10 minutos está de regreso y esta vez le pregunta:

"¿Señor, tiene clavos?"

Asombrado el barman responde: "¡No!"

A lo que el pollo responde:

"En ese caso, ¿Tiene uvas?"

If I wanted any lip from you, I would jiggle my zipper!

How do you babysit a black kid?

Wet his lips and stick them to the wall

How do you get them down?

Invite a couple of Mexican kids over and tell them its a pinata party.

A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week.

Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.

"And Mr Reebs, would you be so kind as to tell us who it was that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked. "I don't know," said the student.

"Well, perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor.

"That's not true," the student protested. "I never pay attention anyway!"

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that
reads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her):

I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel
with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as
follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him):

I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.

You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many
more times than 54 goes into 18.