"Paper or plastic?" "Not 'Not paper AND not plastic!!'" -Augustus DeMorgan in a grocery store

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself.

Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.

"... and, what would you like to drink?" she asked.

The man said he would like coffee.

The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God! I am so sorry!"

"That's okay," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin. "But tell me, is this regular or decaf?"

"Regular," she replied.

"Oh great... now this thing is gonna be up all night!"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

These two Scottish characters are chatting. One of them then pulls out an
expensive looking pocket watch from his pocket to check the time.
"That's a fine watch you got there!" says the other.
"Yeah it is, isn't it? I got it from my grandfather," says the guy with the
watch.
"Really?"
"Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed."

Están dos tipos platicando cuando ven venir a un cuero de aquellos de película.

Uno le dice al otro: "te apuesto $500 a que esa tipa trae puesto el calzón de mi mamá".

"¿Cómo vas a creer vos?"

"¿Apostamos?"

"Apostados, pero que sea el doble".

Cuando se acerca la muchacha, el apostador murmura: "mamita rica, traes puesto mi calzón".

"¡El de tu madre, hijo de la gran p...!" le responde la mujer.

What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield? It's ass.

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted
to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card;
it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he
had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,
the florist said.

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking
place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
"Congratulations on your new location".

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, 'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.'The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. 'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter. 'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?''I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, 'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.''I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun.The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice. 'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.'The sister thought for a minute and finally said: 'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?'