This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to her place to have wild, passionate sex. After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "I guess that was just about the best sex you have ever had," he says.

"What makes you say that?" asks the woman.

"Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl," he explains.

"Oh," says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first."

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my
dad!"
The cop said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her.

The wive says, "I don't want to go hunting because its cold out, and I've never been butt fucked before, so I think I'll go with the blowjob."

So she's down there doing her thing and suddenly she says, "your dick tastes like shit!"

The guy says, "yeah, the dog didn't want to go hunting either."

"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.

"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.

"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to
hold me." The husband says "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as
a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might
as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a
big dept. store.

He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then
tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets
matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and
gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her
husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis
bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you
like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she
cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go
to the cash register."

The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
stuff."

The wife's face goes blank.

"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the husband
says,

"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!!!!

The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night.
She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looks up at her and replies, "Yes dear, I do, you wore that same negligee the night we were married."

"That's right." she replied, "And do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?"

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!"

She giggles and says, "Yes, That was it. That was exactly what you said. And now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again, he looks up at her and looks her up and down and says, "Mission Accomplished."