1.No we can't be friends, i just want you for sex.
2.The dress doesn't make you look fat, it’s all that f****** ice cream and
chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
3.You've got no chance of me calling you.
4.No, i won't be gentle.
5.Of course you have to swallow.
6.Well yes actually, i do this all the time.
7.I hate your f****** friends.
8.I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you
after tonight.
9.I'd rather watch a porno.
10.Eat it??? it took me ten pints to get up the courage to f***.

1) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
2) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
3) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.
4) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in
15 tries, at least in theory.
5) You don't mooch off others' desserts.
6) If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
7) The remote control is yours and yours alone.
8) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
9) ESPN's Sports Center.
10) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

A man called into a local radio station and told the 'morning guys' that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex. They asked him, 'How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?' Reply: 'Until my girlfriend dies.'

Why does Dolly Parton have such a small waist?

- Because nothing grows well in the shade.

THIS LITTLE BOY GOES UP TO HIS FATHER ONE DAY AND ASKS HIS FATHER WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALISTICALLY AND POTENTIALLY.

HIS FATHER SAYS, "GO UP TO YOUR MOTHER AND ASK HER IF SHE WOULD HAVE SEX WITH ROBERT REDFERD FOR A MILLION DOLLARS. THEN ASK YOUR SISTER IF SHE WOULD SLEEP WITH BRAD PITT FOR A MILLION DOLLARS. THEN ASK YOUR BROTHER IF HE WAS SLEEP WITH TOM CRUISE FOR A MILLION DOLLARS."

SO THE BOY FINDS HIS MOM AND ASKS HER, "MOMMY WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH ROBERT REDFERD FOR A MILLION DOLLARS?"

THE MOTHER SAYS, "YES HE'S FINE AS HELL I'D SLEEP WITH HIM FOR A MILLION DOLLARS."

THE LITTLE BOY GOES UP TO HIS SISTER AND ASKS HER,"WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH BRAD PITT FOR A MILLION DOLLARS?"

THE SISTER SAYS, "HELL YEH HE'S HOT AS HELL."

HE GOES UP TO HIS BROTHER AND ASKS HIS, "WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH TOM CRUISE FOR A MILLION DOLLARS?"

THE BROTHER SAYS, "HELL YEH, I'D SLEEP WITH HIM FOR A MILLION BUCKS,"

SO THE BOY GOES UP TO HIS FATHER AND SAYS, "I THINK I'VE FIGURED OUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALISTICALLY AND POTENTIALLY."

THE FATHER GOES, "WHAT?"

THE BOY SAYS, "POTIENTIALLY WE'RE SITTING ON $3 MILLION DOLLARS, REALISTICALLY WE'RE LIVING WITH TWO SLUTS AND A FAGGOT!"

What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her look more
attractive?

Her ankles.

1.Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says,
'How's my driving? Call 1 800 ****"**.'

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

8. You're counting down the days until menopause.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to
place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I
HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."