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Море развлечений » Английский юмор
Confusion about Y2K
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  Computers | 28 сентябрь, 2013

Dear Boss,I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

Innuendo
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  Blondes | 28 сентябрь, 2013

What does a blonde think an innuendo is?

An Italian suppository.

Milking Cow
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  Bar drinking | 28 сентябрь, 2013

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm...

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

If you have a difficult task give it to a...
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  Murphy's law | 28 сентябрь, 2013


If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man
- he will find an easier way to do it.


Yo momma so ugly
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  Yo mama | 28 сентябрь, 2013

Yo momma so ugly, when she went to the zoo the monkeys said hey that is what my shit looks like this morning.

It Ain't Margarita
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  Other | 28 сентябрь, 2013

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A Dry Martinez!

A very successful lawyer parked his...
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  Lawyers | 28 сентябрь, 2013

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office,
ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's
side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes
a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before,
was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer
shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are
so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don''t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow
down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

Season's Beatings
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  Other | 28 сентябрь, 2013

There's gotta be a better way to spend December. Let's face it: once you're
old enough to fall off of Santa's "List", Christmas loses some of its magic.
Actually, it loses all its magic and turns into a super-commercialized orgy of
over-eating, binge drinking, and familial Hell. But there isn't any "bah,
humbug" here... no siree! We just think the venerable holiday could use some
fresh changes, nothing big... just a couple of twists here and there. Like a new
cover of "White Christmas" sung by Robert Downey Jr. perhaps, or maybe a Ninja
Santa, or instead of giving presents, give advice. That way everyone gives and
gets. So we kindly suggest that you enact some of these new traditions in your
celebration of this holiday season. * Decorate your fireplace, tree, and house
with long fatty strips of Christmas Bacon. * Fill a pair of galoshes with
cottage cheese and leave them by the door Christmas Eve. Check back in the
morning to look for Santa's little curds-slathered footprints. * Get rid of your
Christmas Tree and invest in the new Yuletide rage... The Chia Christ! *
Decorate your nipples with frosting, sprinkles, and tinsel. * Attend Midnight
Mass and hoot "boo-yah" every time the priest mentions "the savior". * Carve
stars in pumpkins, and hide painted eggs in your yard while dressed up like
Abraham Lincoln. When your neighbors ask you what you're doing, respond, "I was
going to ask you freaks the same thing." * Dress up like an elf, go to a
playground, and collect lunch money from kids to "pay for Santa's chemotherapy".
Buy a Christmas six pack with the proceeds. * Find out exactly how many cups of
spiked eggnog it takes to get sugarplums to dance in your head. * Eat Christmas
dinner at a soup kitchen in a suit and tie and complain loudly that the service
is lousy, the creamed corn is lumpy, and someone smells like "ripe ass". *
Casually hang out at a mall dressed like Santa. When hurried parents ask you if
you're the on-duty Santa, smile and say "No. I'm John Wayne Gacy". * Get the
crap beaten out of you for showing the "Christmas Spirit" by hugging strangers
on the street. * Boil goat heads and festoon the outside of your house with
them. Suggest to neighbors that they do the same because the skulls "spook
flying reindeer". * Tell your parents you're bringing home someone special, and
then arrive with a life-sized Gingerbread Man. If you're a man, tell your folks
you're "gay for gingerbread". If you're a woman, tell them you have something
else "cooking in the oven". * Make sure all your toy-sized nativity scenes come
with spring-loaded attack sheep, kung-fu grip wise men, and shepherds that
transform into robotic tarantulas. * Christmas Morning Happy Hour at Hooters,
6am 'til Noon.



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