Two blondes were walking home one day, and suddenly it began to
rain. Luckily, a man driving a pickup truck stopped and offered
them a ride. He told them that there wasn't room in the cab,
because he had two of his friends with him, but that they could
sit in the back with his dog and, although they would still get
wet, they would get home a lot quicker. The blondes agreed and
climbed in. The man started driving, but suddenly a little kid
ran in front of the truck, and the driver swerved, and the truck
plunged into a lake. The driver and his two friends struggled to
open the doors of the truck to get out before they drowned, and
when they reached the lake shore, they looked around for the two
blondes, but they were nowhere to be found. The driver saw his
dog had gotten out just fine, and wondered if the blondes had
gotten stuck under the water. Just as the man was about to jump
in the water to rescue them, the blondes both surfaced and swam
to the shore. Looking confused, the driver asked them what had
taken them so long. The blondes answered: "Well duh! We couldn't
get out--the tailgate was stuck!!"

AP and UPI reported today that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide."

The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate."

The heightened alert status was precipitated by the recent fire which
destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling its military.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder
(of someone else who happens to be around).

In World War II, an English reporter who had heard so much about the
bravery and elan of the Gurkhas visited a camp just in front of the
enemy lines (Germans). During the course of his reporting, he had
occasion to observe a mission being conducted.

The mission was to airdrop a bunch of soldiers behind enemy lines to
conduct some relatively light action. He watched the commander of the
Gurkhas (a British soldier) pitch the mission and then ask for
volunteers. To his surprise, only about half the Gurkhas volunteered
and were sent off.

Throughly disillusioned with the legends of Gurkha bravery, the
reporter went back home. After the war, he happened to run into a
Gurkha who had been there, and asked him why half the troops had failed
to volunteer. It turned out that none of the squad, both those who
volunteered and those who did not, were aware that they would get a
parachute for the drop. Hence the low turnout.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Iglesias!
Iglesias who?
Iglesias idea I ever had!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Igloo!
Igloo who?
Igloo knew Suzie like I know Suzie...!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Iguana!
Iguana who?
Iguana hold you hand!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ike!
Ike who?
Ike-n't stop laughing!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ilka!
Ilka who?
Ilka-pone!

Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?A: Be flat, major.

1. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it
acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true
male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for
emergencies, i.e. when some portion of your body is on fire.

2. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself
crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some
ammo.

3. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the
emergency listed in Rule 1.

4. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever
she mentions "love" or "commitment."

5. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs.
Pretend they aren't there for as long as you can.

6. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you've known her,
when you're with your friends.

7. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it's real. Attempt to get
tickets to the matches.

8. Scratch yourself in front of them. Watch them squirm.

9. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you
couldn't possibly call any of your female friends, even if it's
local.

10. Never compliment a girl, unless it's behind her back about
the size of her, um...

11. Be early for everything (before the girl is even out of the
shower) or don't show up at all.

12. Tell your girlfriend she doesn't kiss as well as your ex.

13. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match
with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but
neglect to tell your significant other until the day before.
When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks
you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch
wrestling. Tell them she just has PMS.

14. Tell your girlfriend every dirty joke you can think of --
you know how she loves them!

15. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how
red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be
grateful that you're staying with her.

16. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets
injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the
emergency room.

17. Tell her, in detail, about all the girls that hit on you.

18. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse
to dance. Besides, you're just there to stand around and look
cool, right?

19. Automatically assume that she doesn't know a thing about
cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets
you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.

20. Blame everything on PMS.

This big rough lookin cowboy walks into the bar. He orders up bottle after bottle of rottgutt liquor and proceeds to get really wasted...In the process he manages to anger just about everyone in the bar by being offensive and rude and being a big obnoxious fool... Finally he finishes up his 5th bottle and decides he's had just about enough. He proceeds to get up and swagger out of the bar. He gets outside to untie his horse from the post and he notices someone has painted his horses balls a real bright shade of yellow. This pisses him off immensely so he proceeds to blow back into the bar, slamming the doors open and yelling out at the top of his lungs. "JUST WHO IN THE SAM-HELL PAINTED MY HORSES BALLS YELLOW!!!!" After everyone in the bar rustles around a bit, a guy in the back of the bar stands up. This guy is HUGE, at least 6'10'' tall, pure muscle... He says to the cowboy, "I did, so what do you got to say about it, boy!!!" The cowboy looks back at this guy and says "Oh, I was going to let you know the first coat of paint is dry."